Redefining Beautiful

Chapter Twelve: Outside In

After the first week of school, I found myself spending a lot of time with people who thought I was a pathetic loser in middle school. Destiny, Megan, Madison, and Malia, for example. On the third day of school, Megan started talking to me about what I used to think was pretty, skinny girl confidential stuff.

“Are you going to try out for cheerleading this year?” asked Megan. “We’re getting new uniforms this year and it would look adorbs on you.”

“Oh.” It never crossed my mind that I could try out for cheerleading. Destiny doubted that I would make it, but that was last year. Now that I was pretty, I could probably make the squad. “Um, I don’t know. I haven’t even thought of it.” I glanced up at Megan. Her silver eyes were kind and she was lightly tapping her pencil on her blank Spanish worksheet.

“Well, you should. Because it’ll be me, Destiny, Malia, Madison,”—she counted on her fingers—“and it would just be a lot of fun to have the whole group on the squad.” Megan flicked her hair over her shoulder before scribbling on her Spanish worksheet.

A part of me wanted to scream because Megan included me in the “group”. I thought it would never feel so great to be included in something I thought I could never be a part of. I was too happy to speak, so I just smiled and began my Spanish worksheet while Megan gabbed about the cheerleading uniforms and the cheer we had to memorize in order to try-out. I didn’t care about any of that stuff.

In geometry, Trevor and Roy kept Casey and I laughing so much that we hardly got any of our work done. In the mornings, we would meet up at Starbucks before school and work on our geometry homework together. The morning of the fifth day of school, Trevor and I were in line at Starbucks. Austin, the guy I met at Starbucks, asked Trevor what his name was as he held a marker to a plastic cup.

“Uh, Dick Buttkiss,” He said with a straight face. Roy snickered from the table he and Casey were seated at. Austin gazed over at me, and I just smiled and shrugged.

“Okay, Dick.” Austin set down the cup and leaned over the counter. “Your order will be ready when you can lean over and buttkiss some other dude because I don’t play like that.”

Trevor glanced down at me. I burst out in laughter. “The name’s Trevor.” He said and Austin scribbled his name on his cup.

“That’s what I thought...” Austin mumbled. When Trevor’s drink was finished, Trevor showed everyone how Austin didn’t put Trevor’s name on the cup. He put “faggot” instead. I met Austin’s eyes from our table and he smiled at me. I think I know why.

Rustin walked in as we were seated copying answers from each other’s geometry homework. Rustin was wearing beige shorts and a red and white striped tank. When he entered the cafe, I couldn’t help but stare at him. Not in the I’m desperately in love with you type of way that I used to stare at him like. I stared at him in the wow, I actually have a chance with you and that’s pretty cool way.

“I see what you’re staring at,” Casey whispered, smiling at me like she just found out my deepest darkest secret and is about to tell the world.

“Don’t you think he’s just...attractive?” I wondered. Rustin dug his hands in his short’s pockets as he waited for his drink. I could see the American Eagle label on his underwear peeking out from his shorts.

“Well...”

“Who?” asked Roy.

“Rustin,” Casey answered softly. “But I don’t know because I hear he’s kind of an egotistical asshole, so that’s a minus.” She said to me.

“He is.” Trevor jumped in. He peered at me over his textbook. I was going to say something, but-

“Sup, Roy?” Rustin and Roy exchanged a fist bump.

“Nothing, man. Just shitty geometry.” Roy replied.

“The worst,” Rustin said. I couldn’t believe he was standing beside me. I thought I should say hi, but my vocal chords were glued together. My eyes connected with Trevor’s again. “Ah, faggot.” Rustin lazily pointed to Trevor’s cup.

“Yeah, um...” Trevor twisted his cup in his hand, thinking of something witty to say. “It means Trevor in Starbucks dude’s language.”

“Hey, Rustin.” Casey saved the moment from becoming an awkward silence. “I’m in your Spanish class.”

“Oh, yeah. No wonder you look familiar.” Rustin nodded.

“This is my friend, Charlie.” Casey directed Rustin’s attention across the table at me. I wanted to hide; I wanted to bury my face in Trevor’s chest. I didn’t want Rustin to look at me, at least not before I look at myself to make sure I look presentable.

“Oh, I know her,” Rustin said. “It’s been awhile since we talked actually.” He smiled, as if he didn’t remember what happened in sixth grade. I hoped he had forgotten because I didn’t want to be remembered as that Charlie.

“Good morning,” I smiled.

“I have to go, but it was nice seeing you again, Charlie.” Rustin smiled a charming smile which made me feel somewhat important.

“Do you like him or something?” Trevor asked me.

“Uh.” I didn’t know how to answer that. “Could you tell or...something?” I tried being unreadable.

“Yeah, hold on.” Trevor took a napkin off the table and patted the corners of my lips. “You just had some drool leftover.” He teased. Casey and Roy laughed.

“Shut up, faggot.” I stuck my tongue out at him.  

In P.E., of course, I was with Destiny and her three friends, who became my friends. I still felt out of place because there were rules that I had to follow and get used to with these new friends. I needed to read up on the hot actors they adored, so I could join in on their fan girling. There was a list of girls they didn’t associate with because they’re outcasts. I needed to memorize that list. There was rules about what was cute to wear, and was good to eat.

After I succeeded in getting into shape, Roebuck gave me permission to enjoy a sugary snack as long as it was in moderation and I stuck to my workout routine. A few times a week I started to chow down on chocolate chip cookies or a bag of potato chips. But my new friends didn’t do that.

“You’re going to eat all that?” Megan shot me a disgusted look. On my tray was a burrito, french fries, an apple, a water, and two M&M cookies. It was the eighth day of school and I was still barely becoming accustomed to the way my new friends worked.

“Well...yeah.” I surveyed the meals set out in front of my friend’s seats. They all had small portioned meals from restaurants off campus.

“The lunches here are so gross,” said Destiny.

“Yeah, that’s why we have our mom’s bring us lunch,” Megan added.

“You should do that, too,” Malia sweetly suggested. Madison nodded, agreeing with the rest of her friends.

I didn’t have a problem with the cafeteria food at Emery High School, but it didn’t matter if I did or not. My new friends hated it and I didn’t want them thinking I’m still that old, fat, and pathetic Charlie Anna Bates because I was trying to get away from her, too.