Redefining Beautiful

Chapter Twenty-Three: Someone Else

Desiree told me about this guy she liked. It was shocking at first because Desiree doesn’t really talk about boys. Sometimes she’ll fantasize with Maria about Casey’s brother, but other than that, she has never discussed genuine feelings for a boy.

The five of us squeezed into Jason’s mustang after school Wednesday, and he drove us to Slickrock, a part of the mountains that during the winter is a small creek revealing the boulders that are normally hidden in the river during the summer. Casey said she loved it there because God’s eye of creation is beautiful, and Slickrock proved so.

When Jason parked on the blacktop, we hopped down the rocky hillside to the bottom of the thirst-quenched lake. I climbed to the top of a large boulder. I snapped pictures of the sun setting between the Sierra Nevadas. Danielle strategized each one of her steps as she made her way to the middle of the creek by stepping on small rocks barely poking through the surface of the water that ran past. Maria posed on top of boulders as Casey took pictures of her. Then, Desiree sat beside me.

“I like this guy, Charlie,” she said. “His name is Elliot.”

“Have you talked to him?” I asked.

“No,” she sighed. “I’m scared to.”

“Why?”

“I’m not pretty.”

I glanced over at her, my eyes locking with hers. Here was that moment. I had a window of opportunity to pour into someone else, to my friend, and lift them up.  

“I mean, have you ever saw someone who was perfect in every way than looked at yourself like, how could that like this?” Desiree slapped her thighs that flattened out over the curve of the rock.

“Yeah, I have,” I said, thinking of when I first saw Trevor. “Not the best feeling in the world. I know... I can relate.”

“It sucks,” Desiree said under her breath. It fell silent.

Desiree kept her eyes on her blubbery thighs, but I kept looking at the profile of her face. I watched makeup tutorial after makeup tutorial. I witnessed the average looking human transform into someone else. Some girls look at makeup as this mask to hide yourself when makeup should be used to enhance the positive features of your face.

If I could get Desiree to look in the mirror and find something she liked about herself, then maybe I could use the makeup to bring those features out about herself, so she can see that she is pretty.

But that’s not all.

I know weight is a huge issue. It was a huge issue for me for three years. I can’t guarantee Desiree that eating right and exercising will get Elliot’s attention because that’s a different equation. However, I can guarantee that it would convince Desiree to love herself, to believe in herself, and to feel that high of invincibility. With that kind of confidence, she can do anything she wants.

I didn’t know if Desiree was looking for reassurance or wanted me to be honest with her, so I thought for a second. My parents beat around the bush about my physical appearance and Destiny lied about the way she felt about it. I know honesty is the best way to go, but I know that if it isn’t approached right, then it could really damage the other person.

“What grade is Elliot in?” I asked.

“Junior, but we’re the same age. He skipped a grade,” She replied. “He’s in my art class.”

“Well, you should talk to him.” I shrugged, capping the lens on my camera. I was too distracted by the conversation with Desiree to continue experimenting with the settings on my camera to take pictures.

“It’s not that easy,” She mumbled.

“Sure it is. You’re overthinking it,” I said.

“Elliot wouldn’t like a fatass like me.”

“Get in shape,” I said in a no-big-deal kind of way. I wasn’t sure how Desiree would take it because I didn’t exactly ease the getting in shape thing to her, but it’s better to rip the bandaid all at once than peeling back little by little.

“Do you think it’ll work?” She asked.

I was shocked that she didn’t hesitate to ask. “If you don’t like the way you look, work with it,” I said. “Besides, you’re not doing it to get Elliot to like you. You’re doing it for yourself, so you won’t be as scared to go talk to him.”

“Oh.” She frowned. I knew by her look that she was planning on getting in shape in hopes for Elliot to like her. It must be a girl thing. We think we have to be flawless, perfect for a guy to give us attention when we really should wait until the guy that loves us for just being us comes around.

“Yeah, speaking from experience, do it for you and no one else. You can’t control people’s reactions.” It felt pretty good to advise Desiree.

Desiree and I climbed down the rock. She joined Casey and Maria in the middle of the creek. I was wearing my brand new Converse, so I stood by Jason and watched the three play around in the creek.

“Charlie,” Jason said, catching me off guard.

“Yes?”

“What are you doing this Friday night?” He looked down at me with eyes like the ocean falling over me like a giant wave. It felt like a movie. When the cute boy asks you what you’re doing on Friday night, and you get butterflies because you’re assuming he’s asking you on a date.

“Probably just going to sit on my butt with ice cream and cry over the fact that Trevor is over me,” I wanted to say. Instead, I said, “Uh, maybe go for a run or something...I don’t know.” What? I couldn’t have him thinking I was lazy Charlie. He’s never met her, so I wanted it to stay that way.

“Or you could come to my band’s second big gig.” He smiled. “Casey said you would like it. You can chill with her backstage.”

“Sounds great,” I said lamely. Even though Jason was cute, I still wanted him to look like Trevor. Even though Jason had a nice voice, I still wanted to hear Trevor. Even though Jason was being sweet with me, I still wanted to go on a date with Trevor.

Trevor and I aren’t dating; I don’t really know what we are, but I feel like I’m unfaithful for going on a date with Jason when I really like someone else. And what if Jason kisses me? It would be my first kiss and I’m not sure I want it if it’s not with Trevor.