It's His Hair

.38. Time is Useless

//okay so because this if from Jamie's POV it is before Brendon finds her...again those positive vibes. PM me if you want to skip it//

*Jamie*
I got ready mindlessly. My tears had stopped falling from my eyes at night. I couldn't handle any of it any more. My heart had been broken so many times by so many different people and things that none of it mattered the same way anymore. I curled my hair and put on my skin tight black dress that I loved, my black knee high socks, and little black booty heels. I tried desperately to cover up the bags under my eyes and wore my jean jacket to cover up the puffiness of my veins. His funeral was today. I left my house looking pretty well put together and went to the cemetery. There was next to nobody there, I don't even think I saw his parents. There was a priest there that said all the things you say at a funeral and we all tried not to cry. I hated being there surrounded by people I didn't know.

"It's horrible isn't it?" A girl said quickly coming up next to me. I looked at her from the side. She had snapped me out of my little frame of mine. She was super thin with long stringy brown hair that was tied up into a messy braid on the side of her head. Her face was angular and her nose was pointed up giving off the impression that she was better than you. She pushed her glasses up on her beaky nose, and nodded at me. "You're one of them aren't you? You've got the blank look in your eyes."

"You don't know me." I snapped hugging myself to give me some comfort. I needed to get away. I needed to be away forever.

"You're right. My name is Asia." She said stretching out her hand.

"Jamie." I said not taking her hand. The little glimmer she had in her eyes faded and she put her hand down.

"I tried to tell him he was going to get it in the end. That those few hours of heaven were going to get him a lifetime of hell." She said with a dry chuckle. I turned and looked at her with a nasty look on my face.

"Who are you to him?" I asked.

"I've been his best friend since sixth grade. He told me a lot about you." She said looking away from me.

"Oh yeah..." I looked down into the moist earth at where he body was going to stay forever and it suddenly hit me. He was dead. He was going to be dead forever. And I was still alive. I would have to be here without him. My stomach turned and I felt sick.

"I told him all those years ago that this was no good... He knew what this stuff does to people yet he ignored me. He just wasn't strong enough." She looked at me and then took a few steps away. Her words echoed in my ears, he just wasn't strong enough. I turned away from the graveside and walked back to my car before driving home with my thoughts. Strong enough. Am I strong enough? I told him... I walked into my house with nothing on my mind. My mind was completely blank. I'm not strong enough. I looked at my house and saw everything good that had happened. I saw Brendon's soft kisses on my neck, I felt his heart beating next to mine, I saw our laughter exchanged and cuddles in my bed. I saw our performances and the late nights on the road. I saw Annie and Kenny throwing their heads back in laughter at a joke I had told once. I saw the kisses that Pete gave Patrick that night in the fort. I remembered our wedding and running away from those security guards. My fingers slipped over the cold metal band of my ring. I had put it on again after that night; I just couldn't give him up. Then my mind was flooded with Archie. The needles and the smoke. The person I had become because of the heroin. This wasn't me. I felt his hand hitting my cheek, his knees keeping down, and his hands around my neck. I felt the slaps across my face and him pushing me down in the cold kitchen floor to get what he wanted. I could have stopped it, but I didn't because I needed him. I needed him to give me the drugs. He gave it to me and I didn't have to pay for it. I paid in his violence towards me. He got off on hurting me, and I went along with it. I mindlessly went to the utensil drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a steak knife. I stared at it for a few minutes. Are you strong enough? The answer is no. I took the knife and slid down to the floor before reaching into the cupboard under the kitchen sink to get my extra stock of heroin. I shot up over and over again until the room was spinning too fast for me to focus. I could feel it creeping through my veins like concrete. I reached out to the knife and managed to drag it across my wrist over and over again until the blood poured down my wrists. Everything was slow, like in the movies when it goes in slow motion. Lights were flashing across my vision like strobe, but no light was on in the house. I could hear my heart beat thrumming in my ears and the room was spinning a hundred revolutions in a second. I'm weak. I am not strong enough. I heard the murmur of voices and crashing around my kitchen, but nothing made sense.

"Dall! Call an ambulance!" I heard him yell. Him. Was it really him? Or were the hallucinations starting to kick in? I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and attempted to open my eyes. Everything was fuzzy, but I barely saw the outline of him. "I'm so sorry baby... I'm so sorry... This is all my fault..." He whispered before I closed my eyes for good and everything faded into black.

//oh god... I'm sorry guys, but thanks for sticking with me and for all the support. You guys there are people that have threatened to kill me because of this(you know who you are) but anyways... I LOVE YOU! Please vote and comment...

-Syd