How did I end up here?
A broken man once more.
Destroyed and befuddled by love. Lost to the world of lust.
Caught in a continuous loop of hills and valleys.
Enjoying the benefits of sharing companionship one day, then missing the same happiness the next.
The farther down this trail I go, the less and less I am able to breathe. Inhale. Think. Happy days. Good times. Exhale. Reality. Lonely, tired, partial insomniac. Stressed.
Three days later...
Back again I see? What's the matter this time? Is it drugs, money, happiness? Or is it you're lost and trying to be found? Maybe it's both. Who cares? You give it all you got every day, no sleep, no rest, no time for yourself.
Maybe it's time. You have a birthday coming up? That's good. Take that day. Make it your own. Don't give in to the negativity, the anger, the hatred of the every day life. Don't let the downfall of your doubts become the pitfall of your existence. Stay busy, but stay focused. Your goal is almost at hand. You have weathered the storm. Don't allow yourself to get caught in another. Things are gonna be ok, I promise you. Your real friends will find you, they will show you how much they care. The fake ones, let them be fake.
This all starts with you. What do you want for your new year? It's it that new you you've been looking for? Is it the same bull that you have been muddling through for the past three years? What is it? Be real with yourself. Wake up and smell the roses kid. You can take control. You're on that path to greatness. No roadblock can stop that journey. Don't go the path they want you to walk. That path of doubt, ordinary, regular, typical. Follower. Don't follow the leaders, BE THAT LEADER.
Yeah? Easy for you to say. You aren't dealing with the self doubt. The goals being shattered. The everyday fails. The struggle of being shown that you are nothing. It's easy for you. You're on the outside looking in. Not from the inside looking out. You don't see how much knowing what someone is going to do and anticipation of the worst can do to you. You don't see my panic attacks. You don't see me blank out, the times that I'm stuck on the sidewalk, unable to move, anxiety and panic overcoming me. You just look at the positives. You don't see how many times I've been told "fuck you" by my own parents, especially my dad, the one who is supposed to be your role model, the one who just got himself together and decides to strut and act as if everything has been ok. You don't have to do everything and have your subconscious eating at your back asking you if so and so would approve if they were here. You don't have the answers sir, I'm sorry if I led you to believe you did.
Ok maybe I don't have the answers, but don't let this one hard patch ruin you. Don't let this one bad week decide the rest of your life. You can get a hold again. You can get yourself back together. You can and you will. You may not have the will to live internally right now, but do it for those that you know need you, do it for those that have been there for you for so long, and those that will come along and be there still. Just think. Do you really think either of your grandfathers would be proud to say that you decided to end yourself because of one rough patch? Do you really think that all of your friends deserve to have all those efforts and all that time showing you that you are worth being here, wasted? Don't do it. You have options. You have friends. You have family. You have people you can talk to, you have time. So much going for you. Yes of course there are going to be hard times, what is life without them? You are going to have so many more. This is only the beginning, kid. Tomorrow you are officially deemed a man by most standards. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow begins a new year for you. Leave all the negative and regret in the past. Step up and fight back. Fought for yourself the way they fight for you...
To be continued...
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This piece reflects my writing style more than the first as it shows me in full form. Traveling through the dark places I've been, this is one of the hardest poems for me to share. But it is something I need to do. I've dealt with a lot of issues for a long time and I'm trying to rid myself of a lot of demons... even still.
Side note: I'll be posting poems out of chronological order.
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In My Mind: The World From The View Of A Pessimistic Optimist
PoetryThere are those that can see all the beauty of the world without hesitation. There are those who only see the negative of the world that they have been placed in. This is my view of the world's beauty in the pain of my situation. This. Is me.
