In My Mind: The World From The View Of A Pessimistic Optimist

The Ups and Downs (5/15/2017)

Let me tell you a story
About the ups and downs of falling in love
At least what it is like in my eyes.

Growing up, everything seemed simple to me.
Things would be rational, it would make sense.
But the thing that always was enigmatic was the thing everyone in the world all seemed to chase.

Love.

See, because of who I was, I tried to make it into a simple math equation.
You+stranger=friends
Friends+time=good friends
Good friends * feelings =relationship.

Nothing is ever that simple.

See it starts with a stranger.
You meet this stranger, it could be as simple as bumping into them in a hallway, meeting them through a friend in lunch, or if you are really lucky, you meet them because of where you live.

Then you end up eventually spending time with that stranger, whether on purpose or by chance. Most often, the latter.
Then you and said stranger become friends. And that's where the danger comes in. Because in that time as friends, everything changes.
You lose yourself. They lose themselves, both of you forever lost to the world in one another.

See love to me is a very dangerous thing, but it's beautiful. It's a cosmic thing. Something that you can't control no matter how hard you try. Love is a test. More than anything else can be.
Because in reality, even though people make it seem so simple.
Love drives you insane when you aren't with them, and at times when you are with them.
Love makes you think about nothing but them
Love makes distance and time feel like more of a punishment than whips and chains.
Love is so smooth that it can take your heart and you not even realize it was gone.
Love is two swords. The light and the dark.
Love is the most subjective thing in the world but also the most direct.

Love can turn an enigma into an open book.
Can turn a social butterfly antisocial and vice versa. Love makes you doubt yourself, but makes you seem so confident.

But falling in love is all of this. Without your heart in your chest, because it's in that stranger-turned-friend's hands and even if you don't want to admit it. You'll bleed for them.
You'll fight for them.
You'll die for them.
You just want to see them happy.

Love is the most cosmic and intense emotion one can feel.
Because one doesn't one does not simply 'fall in love'. They slowly lose their sanity and control to be reasoned with, and then they fall in love.

Love gives you so many examples.
It gives you your ups.
Those high school sweethearts
Those college forevers
Those that when you are with that person you can feel forever, but know that forever isn't enough.

It also gives you your downs.
Those that tear you up
Those that leave you broken
Those that make you into a monster
Those that leave you stuck. And those that make you realize that love sucks.

This love thing, turned me into such a different person in so little time. Because I met this stranger. And for a while I had to just stay back and admire from a distance because I didn't know how to make a move. My​ goal to never end up being a distraction. I never wanted to interrupt your groove. I was always quiet. Never did I think I'd want you, even when I always saw you around my way. I never had the voice to tell you, I kinda sorta thought you were great. Never knew myself to want to love someone who's bad all by themselves. Never knew myself to want to love someone that's raw all by themselves. I'd hate for you to go out and try to find someone else. I just wanted to be an escape. I just wanted to be your safe place, your comfort, your one person you would be selfish with. I couldn't admit it to myself, but I wanted to be your everything.

So tell me why, even in this insanity that you have slowly driven me into, you are all I can think of.
Tell me why I have become such an open book.
Tell me why saying I like you isn't enough
Tell me why distance is torture
Tell me why time is fleeting.
Tell me why I feel forever with you in my arms.
Tell me why I see galaxies in your eyes
Tell me why I find comfort in your smile.
In your touch.
In your laugh.
Tell me why time never feels like it's enough when I'm with you
And drags along when I'm away from you.
Tell me why you feel so distant
Tell me why I feel like I can't reach you
Tell me why...
Tell me why I can no longer simply say I really like you
Tell me why I'm thinking that I've fallen in love with you
Tell me why I know that I've fallen in love with you
Tell me why I don't want to get up
Tell me why I feel like I'm losing you
Tell me why I only want you
Tell me what I have to do for you to realize that you have driven me insane for you and that me saying that I've fallen so deeply in love is the only thing that can keep me calm when I'm so far away from you
Tell me what I have to do for you to love me too?
Tell me what I have to do to not lose you.
Because I'm not good at this love thing.
But I know it when it does come true.
But most of all, tell me what I need to do, because it feels like I'm truly losing you, even when I really don't want to.
I'm not pyschic and I just don't know what to do.
Because I don't want to keep going through...
The ups and downs of falling in love
So please tell me what I need to do, not to feel so scared.
Please tell me I'm not in this alone now.
Please tell me that I haven't gotten to this point that I like you more than you do me
But most of all,
Please tell me that you are in love with me too.