In My Mind: The World From The View Of A Pessimistic Optimist

Self Conversations Pt. 2

"You've returned.

But you're different. Stronger.

You're standing straighter. Something has changed. You have a fire in your eyes. A fire that I've yet to see from you. Even in confidence that fire is nothing but a candle to this inferno.

What's new? Did you think on what I told you?"

Yes I'm back. But no, nothing has changed externally with me. I'm still the middle kid. Still considered insane. Still the same old fuck up that has to deal with his dad berating him everyday.

You see, I think that my biggest battle wasn't external. I was fighting more inside myself than outside. Outside I was crumbling apart. Broken because I didn't know what to do. I had lost my pride. I was clinging on to fear to keep me alive. But it's been 8 months. 8 long, tiring, exceptional, and educational months. In those eight months. I've figured it out. I stopped and looked. And I wondered, why was no one willing to die, for anything? I looked in the mirror and asked myself what a man was without pride. So I swallowed that pill called pride. And I stood straight willing to die for what I believed in. I changed because I didn't want to be weak anymore. I was weak because I was at war on the inside. Outside reflected my inside insecurities, inside wars. But you see, I've finally figured it out. I took a trip in my mind to understand myself. I took a trip to understand who I was and what I needed to do in order to change me. That journey in my mind had me go through my past. The past that was difficult, crippling. But I realized, I made it out of those days. And I noticed. I noticed it so late but I finally noticed it. June 11, surrounded by my brothers. In the eyes of my village. I was terrified all the way up until then. But now I know. I AM that leader. It just took me to find the will inside of me. That speech and me going in front of them and doing what they thought I couldn't do. It proved it. But now I have one more battle ahead of me.

"Oh and what's that?

You have grown I can see. You have an aura that is stronger than ever. But it isn't fear. Or confidence. It's self assurance. This aura is terrific and terrifying for me. But I'm curious. You said one final battle. What would that battle be? You think you can finally beat me? I'm too much apart of you to be beat. So what's your final battle? HUH?"

You see. My final battle is me. My final battle is to finally destroy the demons inside of me. The others fell easily. But you, you manifested so long ago. You manifested while I was weak. You manifested into something strong enough for you to survive. But you manifested off of the same history you constantly remind me of. And the only way to beat something I've been running from... is to turn and face it. And you will be defeated just like all of my other demons. See you persecute the weak because it made you feel so very strong. You thrived off me and my fear of righting my wrongs. You may have grown strong but now. I'm taking control and I'm finally going to kill you too.

"You don't get it do you? If you kill me, you kill yourself. You have so much inside of you. You've defeated my brothers but I won't go as easily. But humor me, how are you going to face me?"

My demon. You've been in control of me for too long. You've controlled me because of my fear of my past and the best way for me to show you that you've lost is to show you me. The past. The present. And the future. Didn't they tell you I was a savage? Because you see my demon. In My mind, there's a lot going on.