In My Mind: The World From The View Of A Pessimistic Optimist

Karma (01/11/2017)

This is dedicated to that girl a few years ago that told me to keep writing.

I remember when I was twelve, sitting back feeling as if I was in hell thinking that I was nothing when I found my mom's old poetry book. I thought nothing of it seeing the Young compositions of the person that I was a composition of all neatly written in an old composition book. I hid it in my room thinking that I was gonna take it with me to my tomb.
Then I opened it up and read those thoughts hidden behind the smiles and in between the lines from a mom that was shown hell and ran her way back. I marveled at the word play and the rhymes that were so far ahead of their times and the smiles and the pain that came all before her gain. She was treated as a little game and it should've drove her insane but her perseverance and determination became her survival. And that goal drilled into her head. Survive. Not only did she survive no matter the odds, this woman who went on to become a mom of three thrived.

So that led me in my hell to write like a monster. Letting the pain and tears and fears that I couldn't leave in the dumpster flow into the page. Let the ink mix with the blood sweat tears and rage. Ripping off those pages. Thinking that if she could then, then I can now. So I beat on my words letting them hold me when nothing and no one else can. Survive. The only word stuck in my mind. Survive then thrive. I was the little middle kid that was quiet and a nerd. I was bullied and beat. Most days hiding during recess in the back under some seat. Because in the end I knew that through it all, my voice wouldn't be heard. Baby steps was the brain child then. I let them lead me to grow and to let them show that I will be great.

Fast forward to sophomore year, in a place that I didn't want to be. When I let the writing I used to let live for me die like the smile inside me. Looking back at the poetry not noticing you over my shoulder reading and you seeing baby steps. You told me to keep going. Even though you did some crazy stuff to me back then, things that I can't ever forget and am just now able to forgive, I'll always thank you for that. She was my little high school crush for a couple months. August and September spent looking trying to figure out how can I have her and she just destroyed my hopes. But I still was crushing on her. With my little mind, a year meant nothing to me, but everything to her. Letting that be known that a year just wasn't gonna be what kept her back or on her nerves.

Fast forward again to January 10, 2017. I've came into my own and I've started to thrive. Head held high and the determination in my eyes. Spot you in passing and you stop me and ask how everything has been. Little did she know that the year she decided that she wasn't willing to oversee is just how long it took for me to become me. Now she's wanting to text and get to know me again but my eyes still see the same little girl that used me. So this is to Amiya Williams. The girl that did me so dirty but told me to keep going because one day you'll see, that those words that you think aren't really good will be great. And as I'm writing this I see the smile you had and I set myself looking at the page and thinking, oh just you wait, you'll see, because these words that I didn't think were anything helped me become me.

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I don't normally do name drops but this one here had to be done. I can't hate her for a single thing done, no matter how much people would say I should after our history, but I really do need to thank her for turning into me.