For Better or For Worse (Book 2)

Helpless

I refuse to address the matter at hand that I just blurted out so casually, muttering incoherent directions to Zac. I lead him to the house on the very end of the block, making sure I am careful to avoid the dead end that I always used to forget about.

My heart hammers as we pull into the bumpy driveway, sending jolts up my tight throat. Zac opens my door for me and we make our way up the walkway, stepping carefully over the yellow "crime scene" tape.

That's a little much, I think.

But then we step into the house and everything about that night comes rushing back to me. The smash of the glass vase, Aaliyah's trapped screams, shouting for her big brother, the splinter of wood as Shawn rammed the door down to get to her, the drunken drawl of Mr. Mendes.

I sway a little, having trouble catching my breath. This is the last place I want to be, a house I had hoped I never had to set foot inside again.

The terrible things that had happened here still haunt my memory, and now they are peeking out to say hello, enveloping my mind in horror.

My brother squeezes my shoulder and I faintly hear him tell me to go upstairs and check for the boys.

I climb the stars that I sprinted down several months ago, trying to get to Aaliyah before her father harmed her. My mind a jumble of incomprehensible thoughts and memories, I take a step into Shawn's old room, taking note that the door that Shawn broke down still hasn't been replaced.

The reminiscence is a little too much for me to handle at a time like this, but I manage to check the room for the boys as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

I need to get out of this hellhole before I break down.

I need the freeness of the chilly air of late October. 

I need the warmth of my cozy home, the familiarity of my own bedroom.

I need the reassuring presence of Tyler, the broad grin that is way too big for his face.

I need the calm of Shawn's strong arms around me, telling me everything's all right.

I need the comfort of Aaliyah's tiny hand in mine, an innocent happiness in her expression.

I need Jack, as weird as that seems, his open honesty and his way of making you see things you never want to admit to yourself.

I need Zac to come home from college, the pain of his leaving becoming too much to bear.

I need the shy twins, too, the way they fit in so perfectly with my friends and me, how well we get along.

But most of all, I need my old life back, when everything was seemingly perfect.

Before Shawn almost died.

Before his father was taken into custody.

Before Tyler started acting all weird every time he saw me.

Before Shawn's forced betrayal.

Before my two best friends despised each other.

When Tyler and Shawn were closer than anyone I knew, when Shawn wrestled with Zac and always, always lost, when Aaliyah lived off of piggyback rides from Tyler, when we were all one big happy family, as dysfunctional as we were, before any of this crap started.

I want things to be the way they were, perfect and seemingly unchangeable. But I can't fix any of the things that went wrong in my life. I don't have the power to reunite my friends and family, to solve every problem that's tearing us apart, to figure out why this is all happening.

I wish I personally could make up for everyones mistakes, including my own, but I just can't do that.

And it hurts to be so helpless.