Insomnia

Chapter 21

I spent a lot of my nights staying up with Cal. We had so many pies around the house that we were running out of room. I slept in a lot later than usual, but Cal was accustomed to this schedule already. Every night, Cal would tell me to go to sleep. Every night I would feel myself drifting off only to jerk back awake. He always looked guilty, but I was fine with staying awake.

In hopes of making me go to sleep, Cal would let me lean on him while we were watching TV. We would sit on the couch while the pies were baking and watch more movies. He had a very large collection. When I felt myself get tired, I would unconsciously lay on him. Instead of waking me up, he would try to stay as still as possible so I would go to sleep. However, I always woke up and ended up glaring at him.

So most of the days we've been back, we spent inside. Cal has only been back to work once, and that was just to catch up. I didn't have to go to work with him for a while, so it really didn't matter that I was losing sleep. Of course, Cal was still worried for my health. However, every time I brought up my health I would just bring up his, even though his situation was a bit more severe.

"We're both going to get better together," I said one night while we were making pies. He gave me an incredulous look.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter if my health drops, because we're both going to get better."

"Rory-"

"No," I cut Cal off even though I didn't know what he was going to say. "If you don't get better, than I won't get better."

"Rory, you can't just not make yourself get better-"

"It's not a choice anymore, Cal." I whispered. "I do want to get better, not without you, but I do. But even if I wanted to, I feel like I can't anymore." I looked at Cal, but he was looking down drearily. He looked even more sad in the middle of the night than he would in the day. His hair wasn't styled, but I still thought it looked great. His eyes were tired, but if they closed he would jerk them open. His movements were so slow, they looked to be sad as well.

"I shouldn't have dragged you into this, Rory," he said with regret tracing his words.

"You can't take the blame for everything. You put so much unnecessary weight on your back, it drives me insane." I put what I was holding down for a second so I could turn to him. He looked surprised at my sudden burst of energy. "I know I haven't known you long, but I feel like your a book I've reread over and over. Yet, you won't let me reach the end. You're constantly shutting the book closed before I can find out the truth."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize. I don't want to hear you apologize." I went from angry to sad again. "I won't you to be okay..." We stayed silent for a few minutes. We worked in silence, but the presence of each other seemed to be more apparent than ever.

"Cal..." I started to speak again. He grunted in response to let me know he's listening. "What do you see every time you close your eyes." It sounded like a dumb question, but I had a feeling he knew what I meant.

"I see darkness."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do. I see darkness figuratively. I'm sure I could tell a vivid description of what I see and why I see it, but I don't want to." I now knew that what he saw was the reason he didn't like to close his eyes.

"When do you ever sleep."

"When I can't control it anymore. When I'm so tired, I have no energy to actually see the darkness."