Midnight Lullabies

04 | Monochromatic Memories

dear Allen,
let me tell you a story.
when I was younger
and the devil pounded my head on both sides
I used to imagine popping a vessel in my head
and watching the blood flow out
with the pressure and the pain —
pop a vessel and watch the ache
smooth it's way out of my head.

but Allen,
I've grown up now
and my headaches seem to have...changed. 
when my head hurts
I mean I am tired
I mean I want to rip my hair out
I mean I want to throw out the memories
because they drive me c r a z y
to the verge of death
and I want to slice at my flesh
in hopes that the pain would ooze out
make its way out of my head.

but how

how can I relieve this ache
when it seems to be engrained in my head
engraved like our initials on the old oak tree
and the memories burn like cheap liquor on a Saturday night alone.

you know Allen,
they drive me mad
like a patient trapped in a psych ward
they want to pump the memories out of me
like how they pumped information out of you
and manipulated you and forced you to lie
and so soon those lies turned into facts you believed
but I will not break.

I cannot tell the difference between black and white
I cannot tell the difference between day and night
nor can I see the light in your eyes
for it has burned out
not a flicker or a flame did you leave behind
you were a fire put out too soon
a formula memorized and too quickly forgotten
but I just can't seem to decipher you
and derive an equation from you
you were million different variables but I wasn't your answer

and my mind throbs and throbs
with the memories you seem to have forgotten
it haunts me day and night —
(not that there's a difference;)
those thoughts have made a resting place
in this troubled mind of mine
thoughts never dared to be acted upon
thoughts never turned to words;
thoughts that will reside in my mind
where it awakes and sleeps 
reappears and disappears 
remember and forget
remember and forget
a constant cycle of torture I can't seems to get out of

you were a flame, a fire
but you burned out too soon
and spread flames to everything around you

you were a spectrum,
and now everything around me is
m o n o c h r o m a t i c