Midnight Lullabies

14 | Of bathroom stalls and creeping thoughts

today,
I ate lunch alone
in a bathroom stall.

away from my friends
away from the bullies
and the misfits
and all jigsaw pieces trying to form a puzzle but the pieces are all wrong.

the perfect puzzle is
idealized
favored
worshipped

so we mold ourselves into shapes
we are not familiar with
take up less space,
uncomfortably shoved into a standard
into an expectation.

today,
I ate lunch alone
in a bathroom stall.

no, I was not sad
or bullied
or lonely.

I sat away for I had realized
we crave attention and company so much
that we forget about our own.

the only attention directed towards ourselves is negative
wearing self criticism and insults
around our waists
in hopes of shrinking it

and we cannot be trusted
in our own company
we cannot be trusted
to be left alone
for we will craft jewelries of pain
then wear it like a noose

we will craft knives of hatred
and so gracefully draw valleys and paintings
on a canvas.

I don't need to taste it
to know its flavor;
I don't need to see it
to know it's there.

today,
I ate lunch alone
in a bathroom stall.

no, I did not feel lonely

for I have learned to enjoy my own company
to stop punishing myself for the things out of my grasp
and if something shall happen, so be it.
let it be. 

I have learned to love myself
despite the stains and scratches.
I will not paint myself
for fear of rusting.
I will not paint myself
for your pleasure.

if I shall rust, so be it.
for immortality is but a mere joke

if I shall rust, so be it.
for I can say with pride that I have made a masterpiece
out of scraps and remains.