Midnight Lullabies

40 | Recovery

Sometimes, some people ask me what recovery must be like
Sometimes it's hard to give a definite answer because
Sometimes it goes like this:

You are locked out of your own home
This is the only house you know and you've locked yourself inside for so long it's the only thing you know how to do

You are locked out of your own home and that house is burning
It is burning and it's time to leave everything behind

You are locked out of your own home and the driveway is covered in knives facing upwards and you don't know how to walk but you know you must get to the house facing you

You are locked out of your own home and it's burning and there's no way out of here other than walking on knives and you're scared and you want to go back inside because you're on your own and nobody's here.

Nobody's here. Nobody's home. They've all moved out a while ago before you turned it toxic.

The flames are growing bigger and you know, any minute now, you could be consumed. So you do it.

You walk on those knives and each step hurts more than the previous one. You feel the blade sink into your feet as you lift your foot up and drop it back down.

You're screaming and bleeding and they're just watching and you see them slowly leaving.

You're own your own now. No one can help you but yourself now.

At times, you think of going back. But there is no going back. Some nights you crave home but there is no home because you promised yourself.

It starts to rain.

You're closer now, but here's when it hurts the most. You walk slower now, because the blades are getting longer and sharper.

But you make it. You reach that house.

You're alive.
you're alive.

You're bleeding, but you're alive.

It takes you months, years, to build this house. At times, you habitually start to replicate your old house but you remember. You remember. This is a new slate.

Sometimes it's hard not to, when the scars are still under your feet. But the hardest part is over now.

You made it. You're alive.

----
HI EVERYONE

IM SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU GUYS MADE THIS BOOK REACH #19 ON. MY. BIRTHDAY.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH OMG YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME AND WITHOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN POSSIBLE AND I WOULDNT EVEN BE HERE

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT <333