reckless - h.s / mature content

12 - honest

Millie

After a few minutes, Harry started the engine and drove away from his parents house. 

"You still want to go to the party? Or do you want to head home?" He asked, biting his lip. 
"No, let's get drunk tonight, I really want to go. Do you? If not, you can just drop me off." I offered, but he reacted quickly. 
"No, I could really do with a drink tonight, too." He chuckled. 

Normally, there would be an awkward silence, both not knowing what to say or how to act, but something was a little different. 
I had my fair share when it came to one night stands and the morning after was usually pretty fucking awkward. 
But me and Harry were still laughing and talking about senseless shit. 
His voice sounded raspier than ever, which made me want to rip off his clothes again. He was handsome as fuck, funny, good in bed and charming.. okay, Millie, what the fuck are you even thinking about, you need to fucking stop right now. 

"A penny for your thoughts?" He interrupted my inner debate. 
"Just because you fucked me good, doesn't mean that I will share my thought with you, Styles." I smirked. 
"Oh, so you admit that I'm good in bed?" He raised an eyebrow and had to suppress a smile. 
"Fucking shut up, moron." I laughed. "But yes, you were not that bad. Let's say a seven out of a scale from one to ten." 
"Mhh," he licked his lips, "we can do this again and again until I am your perfect ten." 
"Oh, you think I'd do this again? Harry, you have so much to learn yet about me." I said. 
"I want to know everything about you, so teach me." This time he wasn't trying to be seductive, he was genuine. 
I opened my mouth in suprise, searching for a comeback, but I couldn't find one. 

"There's nothing interesting about me, Harry. Don't get your hopes up." The mood switched awfully fast and the conversation got dangerous for me. 
"I don't get it, care to explain?" He answered truthfully. 
"I'm a really difficult person Harry. I try my best to change for better, but I just can't. I don't even know if I really want to, because if I would, then it would probably be easier. But it isn't. I'm moody, rude and not really worth fighting for. I know that most boys think that I'm playing hard to get, but it's not like that," I was staring out of the window, "I just don't like trusting people, because in the end, you let someone in, let your guard down and then all they do is disappoint you. So don't think that just because I had sex with you or sometimes talk to you I'm warming up. Because, the truth is," I sighed, "I will never again let a person into my life again." 

Carefully, I turned my head towards Harry who seemed to be thinking about my words. 

"I won't try to argue with you, because that will lead us nowhere. I just want to understand it. You don't want to have any friends?" He sounded kind of sad. 
"Don't get me wrong, I like having friends. I like meeting new people, but it's just quite hard for me, because I can't trust and that is something that friendships and relationships build on. But still, I always like making new friends, they just won't ever get beneath my surface." I told him truthfully. 

To be honest, I don't understand why I told Harry all those things about me. But he had something, that made me feel like these secrets I told him, would never leave his mind. It still wasn't something deep about me, it was just the things that people would always misunderstand about me. 

It's true, that guys think I am playing hard to get or don't do serious relationships, girls would think I'm an arrogant bitch, that's why it was always hard for me to make friends. 
Even though I am in no way arrogant neither am I playing hard to get. It's more like a warning, because people would fall for me or be jealous, when there is nothing to be jealous about or to fall for. 

"But why would you think like that about yourself?" He really didn't understand. 
"Remember, when you told me about your parents and I told you about those burdens some people have. Like some people have lighter burdens and some people are having heavier burdens?" 
He nodded. 
"Let's say, my burdens are heavy as fuck." I tried to explain. 

"Do you think your burdens would get lighter, if you shared them?" He asked.
"No, this is something I have to take care of for myself." I smiled, trying to lighten up the conversation again. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Harry asked quietly, after we drove in silence for a few minutes. "And you will answer truthfully." He added. 

"I don't know if I can make that promise, but shoot." I got a bit nervous. 
"Do you think, if I would fight hard enough, I could convince you otherwise and make you trust me?" He sucked in both of his lips, awaiting my answer. 

"No. I don't want to get your hopes up. So, no, I don't think that this could happen." I was sad about my answer, but it was the truth. 

I am not proud of whom I became. 
There is something, people should always remember. People, that seemed hard as rocks, were once soft as water. There was a time in my life, were I trusted easily, had fun, had lots of friends and was just happy with myself. But people will always want to see you on your lowest, will destroy every happiness you have and do anything to make you feel bad. 
And I trusted exactly those people. I don't ever want to be a victim again, I don't ever want to feel this bad about myself again. 

I never really liked this person I was now, but it was the best I could be. 
I know that this sounds so fucking sad, but I am not. I am still quite happy and I love doing things, every 20 year old girl likes to do. 
Partying, alcohol, boys, dreaming. 
I just had a different view on things then other ones. 

For most girls it was normal to have heartbreaks, ending friendships, fights with parents. 
But I had that feeling, that everytime stuff like that happened to me, it was a thousand times worse than it should be. 
I never seemed to go through that stuff that the other ones went, my life had always been one fucking drama after another. 

But those are stories, I will never tell anyone, because I hate when people pity me and they fucking will if I would ever tell someone about this stuff. 
So, I will forever keep those burdens for myself and carry them alone. 

"Hey, we're here." Harry shook me from my thoughts. 
"Oh, alright." I tried to smile. 

I didn't want Harry to become attached to me, to think that he could break my habits and that I will start trusting him. He seemed so happy and friendly, so kind and pure hearted and I didn't want him to become as bitter as me, neither did I want to break his heart. 
In some twisted way, I couldn't even understand myself, I cared for Harry. 

We got out of the car and Harry was a few steps ahead of me. 

"Harry." I tried to get his attention. 
He turned around, put his hands into his pockets and smiled at me, "yes?"
"Can you promise me something?" I asked. 
Instead of answering, he just furrowed his eyebrows and nodded slowly. 

"Please, don't fall in love with me."