Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 4 - Finding 'ME' Again

         You would never guess what I heard this morning. It was Patsy Cline singing "Crazy" and I had to laugh at her words. That song was about me folks. Every word she sang was my life. Somehow over the past years I had become blind out of my mind as well as crazy. After all I had to have lost it not to realize that my husband, Walter, didn't love me. Thank goodness I got a clue and stopped crying over him sooner rather than later.

Now onto what's really going on. The novelty of my makeover still hasn't worn off and I'm really working at keeping up the changes that I have made. Since I was new to the type of maintenance I would need to keep myself in order, the stylist made sure she thought me all the shortcuts to use to get the best outcome. Thanks to her I could get my makeup done in ten minutes. To me this was nothing short of amazing.

Before, whenever I did my makeup, I used to look into the mirror and see a clown looking back at me. I stopped trying...I gave up. No more of that. What I'm seeing now is vastly different. Self-confidence is an amazing thing. It can change the way you see the world...deal with it and regaining my confidence was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Now on to the story about my first day back at work since my makeover. The reaction is what my kids would call, epic. Quite a few people had whiplash from turning their heads around too quickly when they had to do a double take after seeing me. I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep a straight face, or I couldn't have contained the smile was trying to break free. I took my time, waited, and sure enough, the malicious crew came creeping forward trying to get the dirt.

Imagine some of them had the gall to ask me what's going on, and these are the same people who don't speak to me and try daily to make my life hell. I looked one of them in the eye and said, "I got abducted by aliens." The whole department heard my comment and started to snicker. She kissed her teeth, then turned and walked away. What did she expect? Did she actually expect me to tell her the truth about my life? She must have swallowed a stupid pill rather then her vitamins this morning.

Change is on the winds and none of these horrible individuals got the memo. That's not my fault. Now they are walking around on eggshells. They know something is going on with me, but not what? I'm being bad I know, but the other shoe has dropped and they didn't hear it. Again, not my fault. They were used to using me to do everything for them and offering nothing in return.

When I told the first person "NO, I'm not doing your work for you yet again", she was in shock. The whispers started, and I knew the gossip would be spreading like a wild fire. Sorry people, but that is the way it is now. Gone is the doormat attitude that used to dominate my life, and in its place is a woman who is determined to stand up and be counted.

I don't care about the whispers. I know the truth about my life and that is all that matters. That kind of strength doesn't come easy, and it does waiver. Despite that, every day, hour, minute, second, I tell myself, 'I'm going to do my best in this world and not care what people have to say'. The most important thing I had to remember is that I will never please everyone, so I had to work on pleasing myself. No it's not self-centered, it's about having a sense of self-preservation because without a backbone I would continue to crumple and get crushed.

Part of my 'ME'generation process also required that I take a careful look at my career path. I needed to know where I planed to take my life now I had started to make it known I would no longer be anyone's pack-horse. First I looked at the position I held. From there I did some endless soul searching to see what my true interest really was. Then it became a matter of what to do next. Easily said but far from easily executed. I came to realize that what caught your attention and gave you joy in the past wasn't necessarly the same now your life has taken so many twists and turns. I realized I had to start the process of rediscovery. Find out who I was, what I really wanted.

So what gave me joy...hmmmmmmmmmm? What is clawing at the back of my head screaming to get out? What interests me so that my job transforms itself into a career rather than a daily trip to a torture chamber? Do I want to stay where I was or did I need to move on and start a new? Truthfully I wasn't too sure at the moment, but I'm trying not to make it something that consumes my every thought. I'll do my searching at leisure because I know time is not waiting for me and I want to have fun even while I chart my new path.

My pending ex-husband is still looking at me in shock due to my new transformation and I think the question going through his head is, "why couldn't she have made an effort to look like this when we were together?" The fault landed in my lap for letting myself fall into a state of disrepair for so long. I'm making myself sound like an old house, I know, but when you are in a relationship that has lost its spark, you shift into robot mode without even knowing it.

I love how this whole situation is putting my once nonchalant spouse on edge. Vindictive I know, but I'm sure his discomfort is mild compared to the misery he has caused me. I'm not falling into the mode that most women take when their husbands suddenly tells them, they want a divorce. Some women often behave like they can make the man stay by crying, screaming and clinging. Then when they realize they can't, they start the yelling and quarrelling. In short behaving like they have no behavior or self-respect, unwomaning themselves for this man. No! I cried, screamed and planned to get even in private, then stepped forth calm with the determination to prevail.

Funnily enough, this new path has given me more quality time with my children. Teaching them the little things that they will need to know when they are out there battling life on their own. Doing things together is proving to be a better training tool than yelling at them. I wish I had figured that out ages ago.

Don't think I'm going the 'I'm my kids' best-friend route'. No, we each know our roles in life, but I want when they are on their own that they are able to weigh their actions and those of the people around them, rather than walking blindly into situations that will get them into trouble because of naivety. Most of all, I want my chilren to know that they don't have to follow the crowd because it is easy, but by going their own way it shows that they have true strength and character. Okay, now I'm getting too deep.

When it comes to Walter, he has taken to buying the kids expensive gifts, which they take with glee but often discard in no time. It is a bid for their affection but he is not giving them the one thing that they want, his time or his love. Now he is trying to tell them horrible things about me, but still, to his frustration, it's not working. I refuse to stoop to his level and this is making him far from happy. My personal life is getting more interesting by the second.

To keep myself focused as well as up to date, I have been learning more about the Internet. To me this technology is fundamental to my progress, and exactly what I need to learn all I must to chart a new path in my life. With every search I discover more and more and that spark of wanting to change my life burns brighter. Somehow I'm going to move my way forward and step into my own, because I want more in my life. So anyone who has plans to hinder me, think again. In this era, keeping quiet gets you nothing but overlooked and stepped on, but I just bought some new shoes so people watch out. These shoes were made for climbing over obstacles.