Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 8 - Bringing in the New Year

        

As I look back on the final day of the year all I can think is what a year it has been. I went from being happily married to being on the way to getting a divorce in just over six months. In some ways, I could call this year the most horrible time of my life. Yet upon reflection, I'm forced to say it's the best thing that could have happened to me. A lot of people reading this must be thinking, it's happened folks, she has finally slipped the noose and lost her mind...there is no coming back. But think about it.

If I had continued in my marriage, my husband would have kept right on cheating and I never would've known. Not to mention, I would've never had allowed myself to look in the mirror and really see me. The truth was I was 'toe up from the floor up' and if possible, on the way to getting worse.

To me my life was perfect, but I was wrong. What I have recounted so far has only been the tip of the iceberg when it came to my issues, but there is an old saying, 'every disappointment is just an appointment for something better'. When I look back at how things have unfolded maybe this is the case. Maybe I've been forced to deal with such a massive change at this point in my life as a preparation for something truly amazing, but only time will tell.

For years I had been blindly committed to a marriage that was slowly destroying my life, but I couldn't see it. At work, I was simply going through the motions and being walked all over by my colleagues. This was my idea of normal, the way things just...were. This shakeup showed me this wasn't the case. Other weren't being treated this way so why should I be?

My life was at a point where it was in major need of an adjustment and thank goodness I have started. With my sister Linda's help and advice I had set change into motion and I was determined to make sure I continued onwards. My plans needed to be executed and continuing to shape my life in the right direction was beyond important. I had no intention of stopping and falling back into the misery that was my past.

Part of my new path was the desire to reconnect with my family. It had been playing on my mind a great deal since I saw my sister Linda, and she has been helping me to slowly reclaim my life. She listened when I talked, then pointed me towards things that I needed to look into to change and become better. As a result, I asked the children what they thought about going to their grandmother's house to have Christmas and Boxing Day lunch with the rest of my family. To my shock, they said yes and for the first time during the whole Christmas season I saw a spark of delight start to kindle in my children's eyes.

We went and after settling in had the most amazing time. Just being with everyone and catching up on all that I had missed in the past was truly what I needed. The children spent the time with their cousins and wouldn't leave until they were sleep-walking all the way to the car. Our decision to spend the holidays at my mother's forced Walter to wait until two days after Christmas to bring his gifts. There was no way he was going to come to my mother's house, not after the way he has behaved towards her over the years. When Walter finally found us at home his attitude was appalling, and he tried to make the children feel small for not choosing to see him when he felt like seeing them.

The look my daughter gave her father that evening would have burnt a lesser man to a powdery residue but my soon to be ex-husband seemed to be like the creatures in 'Alien vs Predator', acid for blood. If Walter didn't make some changes soon it was going to be the beginning of the end between him and his daughter. He seemed not to be getting it. Time would tell. Kylie barely acknowledged his gift and went as far as not even unwrapping it. This is the same daughter who was the first one up on Christmas morning and woke up everyone. Things were indeed bad.

With the weight off of my shoulders during those two days, I had the opportunity to simply...be. From that, I was able to see my path a lot clearer. I came to the conclusion, with my hands deep in a sink full of dishes, that no matter what, I needed to put my children first. Please don't think I'm about to become delusional and that I'm considering giving that cheating degenerate Walter a second chance if he came back begging.

No way. I'm looking at my role as a parent and with Walter showing his unreliability, I know I will have to take on the role of both parents. My ex will feel the wrath of a mother bear when it comes to my children and I will eviscerate him if need be to protect my children and their future.

The reconnection with my family was the most important thing to happen over the holidays and it's a fracture that I won't allow to happen again. Indeed it should have never occurred. It felt amazing to be hugged by my mom and the joy on her face when she saw her grandchildren is an image I will hold in my head for years to come. At one point my daughter settled herself between her aunts and uncles and insisted on hearing all the past escapades from when I was younger.

The stories made me sad because I realized that my children knew nothing of my past. They didn't know their family history and that was one of the most dangerous things that can happen to you. Knowing your family is key, be they good, bad or indifferent, but you need to know them. That lack of knowledge can be dangerous and if you don't know them you may end up in a situation where you are cousins making dozens. So not something I want for my kids.

While I sat on the boardwalk awaiting the fireworks to herald in the New Year, I was forced to think about the past few months. I had never endured anything like what I had been through, but I couldn't change the past. It was now up to me to look at my life and start to chart a new path forward. I took the time to think. What was I going to really do? Where was I going to go? In truth, it didn't matter.

My life was now like an empty sheet of paper on which I could write about the journey I wished to embark upon while I traveled. I could do anything...I would do anything. At this point in time with my life at a crossroads, any change was possible, I could become whatever I wanted to be. All I had to do is choose. Choose and go forward. This was the way it would have to be for the future of my children and I. We were looking forward to the New Year, eager to step forth into the amazing unknown.