Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 3 - Rebirth

I'm back home, and I'm proud to say I feel like a new person opened the door of my house when I returned from my spa vacation. Hot to trot and ready to stop traffic, Lindsay Haynes. That week for me was a time of reflection but most important of all, rejuvenation. As a result, I came back different in both looks and attitude. The reaction to my transformation was stunning to behold. The husband that didn't want me stood there with his jaw scraping the floor and his eyes bigger than a tarsier's. My kids yelled in shock and joy at my new look. If this is the reaction at home then the response at work was going to be quite the event.

New consisted of, a drastic haircut, new clothes and to top it off, the much-needed adjustment in my approach to how I dealt with the people around me. Gone was the woman who looked like she dressed in the clothes rejected by the Salvation Army and had never seen the inside of a hairdresser. The new look Lindsay returned armed with lessons about the type of hairstyles, makeup and clothes needed to complement her at any time in any place.

I listened like my life depended on it each time the lady at the spa talked to me and in a way it did. This information was the key to my new life and my intention was to use this knowledge to live the life I used to dream of when I was young and single. My dreams of life, before the spawn of a demented hell-hound, came into the picture and I let him take over.

Marriage shouldn't reduce you to a style-impaired frump with a recurring bad hair day and even worst clothes. It's supposed to be about you and the person you have committed yourself to taking a journey of discovery together. If you have found yourself a man who is secure in his masculinity and not threatened by a strong woman, things will be okay. He understands that by lifting his woman up to be her best, he, in turn, lifts himself up. Together you will both progress.

Sadly if your man is the opposite, he will set about trying to reduce you to nothing in a futile bid to make himself feel more like a man. This is because it is easier to see your faults than his own and because of this he will keep tearing you down time and again. That was my life and I'm so over it.

It wasn't that with a new look a new person instantly emerged. It was more like, with this new look the confidence that had been hidden deep in my mind reemerged. I had finally given myself permission to move closer towards the person I have always wanted to be. When you feel good about yourself, you are much more willing to step out there and do new things. It's because you know how to ignore that horrid little voice whispering in your ear, "You can't do that" or "You are going to make a fool of yourself". You develop a backbone and a deaf ear.

The icing on the cake that told me my changes had hit the mark was the way my, with-a-few-strokes-of-a-pen, soon-to-be-ex-husband was overcome with shock when he saw me walking through the door. Man the feeling that ran through me was like someone had touched me with a livewire and my veins were humming with electricity. Seeing the look on his face was better than winning a million dollars, wellll maybe...close. No, the million dollars would have been better, but it was good anyway.

It took me a while, but then I understood that Walter thought when he said, 'I'm leaving you',  I would curl up and wither without him. When I walked in that door from my spa holiday he fully understood how wrong he was. With every day, a new strength steals its way into my being and with it comes the will to move on.

With Walter gone I had to stop and think and I realized I wanted all those possibilities that used to float around in my head when I was younger. Hopes and dreams I had wanted to see become reality, no matter how far-fetched they seemed. Every breath I took was bringing them back to me. Bringing me nearer to the possibility of what could be and with each fresh breath, I wanted it.

Now my eyes have been opened, I finally saw what could have happened if I had continued on the path I had been taking. The outcome could have been downright scary. I had been turning myself into a blind, docile, clueless woman, who was unaware of the heinous crimes she was committing against herself. I was like a horse with blinders being led to the slaughter. That stupidity is so over.

My daughter is the happier of the two kids about my new look. Finally, she has a mother she isn't embarrassed to be seen with in public. Usually, she never wanted to go anywhere with me. I knew it was bad when the stylist at the spa told me to burn several items she saw me wearing. It was like a slap in the face, but I needed it. I took her advice and got rid of the clothes. Kylie has asked me to take her out to go shopping. She even asked my advice. My son is now happy to see me when I come to pick him up from school, rather than his usual pained look of horror.

It seems this change has had an impact in all quarters. When it came to work, deep down I knew everyone used to laugh at me even while they used me to their advantage. I did most of the work in the office and knew how to troubleshoot every problem that came up, but not once did I get recognition for any of it. This was because I used to deal with work like I dealt with home, I took it and moved on but all of that is done. One look at my change and everyone knew that things were going to be different. The playing field had been mowed flat and plowed over, so everything now had to start from scratch.

Their minds and mouths were all aflutter with questions trying to figure out what had caused this change. There was no indication because I made sure to keep the shame of my impending divorce to myself. I knew they have been looking because every day they used to play, 'what outrageously ridiculous outfit will Lindsay wear today?' The week before I went on my spa escape I had been quieter than usual and it was mostly because I was trying to fully absorb the ramifications of what my husband had done to me.

Being told by Walter he had filed for divorce had been a shock and daily I had been trying to compute what could cause this drastic change in him. News of his actions had yet to trickle into the office, but it would in time. I would deal with that when it happened. Now while their eyes are focused on me and trying to figure out what I'm up to, I was busy getting my life in order.

One day, when I was sad, rather than mad about the Walter situation, I sat down on the couch looking through the family album in a fruitless effort to hold on to the life I knew was slipping away. The 'what ifs' and blame game had fully overtaken my mind. It was then I caught something in one of the most recent family pictures that shocked me. The husband I loved seemed like he didn't even want to touch me while I so obviously clung to him. The picture shouted, "Can we get this over with, this woman gets on my last nerve?"

Right then it hit me, this man doesn't love me. In desperation, I looked thought not just that album, but all of them. Every picture we were in together, I looked at and analyzed. Then I fully understood it. From the looks of it, Walter never loved me. In every picture was that that same expression of repulsed and sapped stole my breath.It's shockingly amazing to realize how blind you can be, your eyes wide shut to the truth. They are wide open now, as wide as they can go.