Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 7 - Tis' the Season

        

Family, friends and togetherness, and not to forget peace on earth, this is supposed to be the bedrock of the festive season but I think a lot of people missed that memo. Everywhere I look I seem to be surrounded by snappish, short-tempered people from the second the first carol starts to play on the radio.

Christmas for me has always been enough work to put two men in hospital and kill a third but somehow I always got what had to be done finished and was smiling around my well-laden table on Christmas Day. This year I'm not sure how it is going to work out as my family is as broken as a tree ornament that got thrown against a wall and no amount of crazy glue is going to fix it. I know it will be a difficult time for me this year.

I feel sad about the upcoming holidays, but I'm trying to keep it together for the kids. I have been trying to coordinate with the soon to be ex, Walter, about the children and how we're going to deal with sharing them over the festive season. Nothing has been sorted so far. The man is frustrating me to new lengths by not answering or returning any of my calls, so my plans have been in a state of limbo. I've got the necessities, the tree, the food and the presents for the kids, but still nothing. The huge question is do I cook a whole lot of food only to discover I'm stuck eating it alone? This feeling is not appealing at all.

I have been fighting not to worry but it's hard. I'm so thankful I have my sister to talk to and her advice of relax and simply let things continue to flow was what I needed to hear. It's what I have been trying to do and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will fall into place.

It's not easy to stop worrying but I trying to do it. Plus there is the 'live' part, that has been extra hard. I had been doing okay for a while, but it seems the season has stripped away all the walls and insulation I have erected around my feelings. All I've been thinking is why couldn't things be back to normal? The crazy thing is, my version of normal wasn't good for me at all. My core issue was I wanted my family with me for the holidays.

To my surprise, Walter turned up to take the children 'Christmas' shopping. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard his request. I was always the one who had to get the gifts and sign them from mom and dad while he sat back, grunted at the children's shouts of joy or whimpers of disappointment when they discovered what was hidden under that paper.

I let the children know he was there and what he wanted to do, they said okay but their answer lacked the enthusiasm that I was used to. They were unusually quiet. My children loved Christmas, especially my daughter, but these weren't the children I was seeing. It was like they were operating under the impression that Christmas had been canceled this year.

Walter on the other hand, seemed to be under the impression that no matter what he did his children would still love him but something in the air said he was in for a rude awakening. It seems that I was right because shock of all shocks, the children told him they had decided to spend their holidays at their house and if he wanted to see them he would have to could come and see them there.

My jaw almost hit my shoes, and when Walter turned to 'paint me in cuss,' my face alone told him I had no clue where this came from. When I asked the kids why they didn't want to go to their father's place they stated they were getting tired of the back and forth and just wanted to relax. Under fifteen and wanting to relax, I was hard pressed not to laugh at my husband because the kids had put him ever so politely in his place. I wanted to have my kids with me for the Christmas and I was getting my way without having to say a single word.

Walter eventually accepted the children's position but I still had a major question. Would he be coming for dinner or would it just be a stop in to drop off the gifts? I made up my mind that it was best to operate like Walter wouldn't be there. I frankly think that would be the best choice.

Over the years, the lack of family being close always played on my mind and Walter and the children filled the hole that was that part of my life. Now it is just the children and me, and even though my family had a huge lunch for both Christmas and Boxing Day I still felt apart. My sister told me I should come but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I have been estranged from most of my family for so long it would seem strange to just turn up, with the kids no less, to essentially eat. Plus the kids had said they wanted to stay home.

I talked to my mom but not daily or even weekly. At best I could be considered a once in a blue moon caller. My mom and I were at odds about my decision to marry Walter and we often ended up having an argument less than three minutes into the call. I hadn't told her that Walter had left me, but I wouldn't be surprised if she heard it over the wire, as in from one of my very talkative sisters. I have four in total.

So the question is, do I brave the family for the two days of Christmas activity or do I stay home and spend the day with the children? I planned to ask them what they wanted to do and go from there according to their answer. Now wasn't the time to invent unnecessary things to stress about or to put myself in complicated positions. I had more than enough of that without adding invented trouble.

When it came to work I knew I would be dealing with a heavier workload due to the season, but this year I planned not to be caught in the 'Lindsay is a gullible workhorse, so let's ride her until she breaks' trap. The people at work have long operated under the premise I was there to do their work while they went out and did their Christmas shopping.

Well, you can bet house, land and car that high-class toilet matter wasn't happening this year. I had shopping to do just like every other Tom, Dick and Harry, so they wouldn't be getting by me like the past few years I have been working there. It had become the norm for people at work to give me a stupid sob story, that is my polite way of saying they told me nothing but lies, and rather than taking my shopping day I would end up doing their work while they went about their business. Well, guess who's got business to deal with this year. I have a million things to plan and doing their work is not part of it at all.

My plan is to try to get the food shopping done as soon as possible and then try to get the gifts for my kids on my given shopping days. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. It's not that I intend to go crazy with the shopping but I want to get out and enjoy the lights and get into the joy and happiness of the season rather than the 'bah humbug' mood that often tries to take a hold and will if I let my co-workers ride me like a mule.

With the kids in mind, I made the decision to have a lovely, live, six-foot Christmas tree decorated with white lights and red accents. I loved live trees and soon the smell of fresh pine was all through the house. My son was a gamer and as well as really into outdoor sports, so I made sure to find out what was the newest, hottest game and to get it for him and an amazing basketball shirt from his favorite team, Miami Heat.

My daughter was going to be a challenge. I would usually think clothes but this year I planned to get her a beautiful pair of hoop earrings to wear for special occasions. These were the gifts for under the tree but I knew I would still have to take them shopping.

Somehow I needed to bring back the joy of Christmas to my children's lives, and that would be my goal over the next few weeks. This was a time for love and happiness but with their father's sudden departure, all the insecurities and uncertainties of life were flooding in and taking over.

The time has come to be the devoted mother rather than the deserted wife. My children came first and as such I knew that any decisions I planned to make had to be in their best interest. So this Christmas will be for them. I would show them that despite the trials, I will always love them and family can last forever.