Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 11 - Quality Time

So this is how it is going. Things are slowly falling into place for me and I'm feeling like progress is actually starting to happen when it comes to my potential future. The imminent ex-husband has found his own place and moved out completely, so now it's just the kids and I. Walter has been calling the kids, but since I've discovered he has been telling them demeaning things, I have been monitoring his time with them. If I hadn't heard him talking to Shane the way he was with my own ears, I would never have thought he would do that to his own child. It was one thing that he had me reduced to an emotional cripple but there is no way I'm allowing him to do that to our children.

As I monitor them, I'm picking up the signs that the children are becoming affected by the stress of what is going on. To ease the situation I have been trying to find fun things that we can do together that will distract them. So far this method seems to be working, but often it is hard because their father is so good at undermining everything. The truth is, it seems that his only joy in life is to make sure that everyone around him is miserable.

Each time I'm with the children I ensure that I reassure them that I love them to offset their father's belittlement. His mental abuse isn't a pleasant thing and daily I question how I was so blinded by this man. It seems that I'm constantly trying to reverse his psychological attacks on the children, but if he keeps up his nasty attitude he is going to make them hate him. With the stress of managing school, sports activities and trying to fit in, the last thing the children need is Walter adding to the chaos of their lives. If it continues I will have to take action and he won't like it one bit.

Due to the extra time I have now found myself with, I have been looking into doing more with my life, learning more. That in mind, I now have to figure out what to do. After a look around I have decided to learn a language, may be Spanish and also take up some sort of sport. I plan to eventually go back to school and do something that will help me progress at work. Now that I have a plan, all that I need to do is put it in place and start doing it.

Easy to say, but not always to do, when you are so used to just catering to everyone except yourself. I had to sit down and look at my children's activities and what I wanted to do, then go about setting the plan into action. This done, it became obvious I had to tell Walter he had to be more involved in the children's activities. His reaction said he was far from pleased because pick-up, drop-off and keeping kids would cut into his woman hunting time. Sorry but we all have to give up something, sometimes.

I did it without complaint for many years, so it's time for Walter to pick up some of the slack. I'm taking this on a trial basis considering how he has been playing with the kids' emotions, so I'm keeping a sharp eye on him. He called me complaining he was a busy man and he didn't have the time for trivial activities. I started to laugh, laugh and laugh like I just had been told a hilarious joke, and I could hear him calling my name trying to get my attention. I disconnected the call while I continued to laugh and quickly he called back. Allowing the phone to ring, I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water and after I drank it, I came back and answered the phone.

I answered like this was the first time he had called and I can tell Walter was rattled. Again he was faced with not knowing what I was thinking when in the past he used to play with me like a tiger with a mouse. In this position, he was fast discovering that to agree with me was the best thing to do because he was so far wrong there was no way he could get the right. It is finally starting to worry him. 'What will she do next?' That is for me to know and for him to be always guessing.

Now I don't have to worry about the kids every once in a while, guess what else I've been taking the time to do? Why getting my hair and nails fixed on a regular basis if you please. It feels so good to sit and have someone pamper me that I don't know how to describe it.

Before I never took the time, never paid any attention to what I looked like, but now my eyes are opened to the real potential in me. I don't plan to try to compete with the teeny-boppers or the twentysomethings but I have started looking at my clothes and trying to dress with class and style. From the reactions I've been getting it seems whatever I've done is seen as an excellent improvement.

I know it looks like I've come a long way quickly but even after I said I wanted to do something, I had to push myself to start the process and to keep at it. For example, starting my language class. Getting there was no walk in the park for me. I had to give myself a continual pep talk even though all the while I was shaking in my boots, correction shoes.

It worked and by the time the class was done I had the confidence to know I could get that class and anything else I wanted to do, done. Along with a new language, I have expanded my reading to make sure I increase my knowledge base and every day I'm learning more than I thought possible.

I try to make sure that I learn something new daily, difficult as it may seem, but you have to want it. I know that by staying in the same place I will get nowhere in life and I'm determined to get out of the slump that I have let myself fall into. It's not just about me, I have the kids to think about and I need to start setting aside for the future. With every day that goes by, I'm remaking myself into a new woman. One possessing the strength and confidence to step forth and discover new things. No more cowering, that time is gone and I'm going to live and enjoy every second I can while I still have the time.