Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 5 - Hummmmp......MEN

        

I'm finding that as time goes by things are getting very interesting. My makeover is still having repercussions and I'm still reeling from some of the reactions I'm getting. Frankly I think a makeover, no matter how magnificent, will not make your problems go away. More likely, the change will add to the problems you already have if you don't know how to manage the fallout.

If you are wondering what I going on about, let me explain. I'm not talking about the result of a volcano like you may be thinking, but consider the way people react to what you do and you will see what I mean. A lot of us do it, follow the comings and goings of those around us like their lives are ours, or that they are there for our personal entertainment. Then it happens, it's your turn to be under the microscope and everyone is watching to see you react and then they react. All of that equals a lot of reaction...fallout.

For example, the men I work with have suddenly started to show an interest in me. In the past they pretty much ignored my very existence but now you should see them. The compliments would have been flattering if they were at least nice to me before, but they weren't. When one of these guys try to stop me to chat me up, I'm colder than a Siberian winter. Just a few weeks ago I didn't even get a "Good morning Lindsay". So when I pass them like I'm blind it is just repayment, or as the older generation would say, 'do for do'.

One guy frustrated that I wouldn't give him a second of my time, went off on me telling me I still looked like nothing and that is why I can't keep a man. When I laughed in his face and told him to get his stories right, "I don't keep men, men keep me". He nearly choked in shock. It was a beautiful thing to see. The swaggering, playboy of the office receiving such a shut down that he was unable to utter a word. I don't know how I came up with that comment, but people the result was amazing to behold.

He has taken my rejection rather badly, so he has been saying nasty things about me to the rest of the staff every chance he gets. I'm just letting it drift over my head. I knew he wasn't being genuine when he stopped me in the hall trying to compliment me. Mr. Playboy was trying for another notch on his belt and I wasn't willing to play his game, so I was as harsh as the mood told me to be. Try it with someone who hasn't watched you go through the female staff like they were underwear...a different one for every day. Being someone's discarded bit once is more than enough for me.

I refuse to be like the other women in the office who have been taken advantage of by that Casanova so he can talk and snicker knowingly with his friends. If there is to be any talking it will be me. After all, guys aren't the only ones that can rehash events in detail and if what I heard is true I have better things to be doing in the fifteen seconds he would take to waste my time in bed. Yes people, fifteen seconds. When you can blend into the background you hear some of the most unexpected tales and if what is being said is true then the Casanova is nothing more than a false starter. Always out of the blocks before the gun has gone off. I have been decent thus far in my refusals so he really should watch his step.

Then there is Walter. My estranged spouse is now at a lost about how to deal with me and I love it. I speak to him like nothing has happened even though he has treated me like dirt for the majority of our marriage. My attitude has him on edge. He knows he should be, but I'm not going to drag him over the coals like a lot of other women would. No, I'm going to let his conscience eat him because I know he needs that lesson to become a better person. He will do a better job of making himself miserable than I will.

Shock of all shocks was when he tried stepping to me and had the audacity to say, "One more time baby for old-time sake". I think if he had caught me before my epiphany, maybe I would have just jumped at it and thinking stupidly this was a chance to work things out, but he came too late. Or should I say at the right time? I refused him without a pause, I was kind with every word and that had his mind going haywire. Did I have a new man so I no longer need him? What was going on in my mind, but most of all where had I gotten this sudden courage and determination? He has nothing but questions and no answers. Perfect.

What I do have is a new rule and I've made it my most important one, 'never go back'. As in, soon to be ex-husband of mine, when it's over, it's over. Please don't ever try stepping to me again. Our relationship has come to an end by your choice but I have made my choice and I will never, ever, ever go back to you.

No, this is not about me being harsh. It's about creating a set of rules I plan to live by and the determination to follow them. I gave my all to my husband and our family but he abused it. I did it at the cost of my relationship with my family and friends and that was something that should never have happened. I'll explain more about that later. So no, there will be no going back to Walter, no matter what he says.

Okay, so she's not going back to the soon to be ex, we get it. What about getting a man to fill the void that Walter left. Don't you have needs woman? Believe me, people I do have needs, but the worst thing you can do when you are not emotionally settled is to get into a relationship. I'm not ready.

There will be endless drama, I know there will be, and it will intensify with everything I do and by not being sure of myself, I doom any relationship I try to become involved in. I'm going to take the time to make sure I'm ready before I go out with someone. When I do take that step, I want to be happy with who I am and this potential guy. The last thing I want to do is spend the whole time second-guessing my every action.

I strongly think I got involved too young and before I had a chance to know who I really was and what I liked. Walter made the choices and I blindly followed but now I'm getting a clue. I now understand everything he did was about pleasing him, and I was nothing but an afterthought. Come to think of it, I don't think even once Walter made sure I had pleasure in bed. Yes, people, that is how bad it was. I was indeed married to a selfish bastard.

There have been the looks and comments I get from guys I don't know and these tickle me. They give me a head rush, you know that boost you sometimes need to get through the day. When someone you don't know tells you that you look nice, you know it's the truth because they get nothing from telling you in the first place. You feel beautiful, sexy even, and every woman needs to feel that at some point in time.

The truth is right now I'm not in the mood to be with anyone. There is no written rule that says a woman has to always be in a relationship, though some people seem to be of that opinion. What's wrong with being free, single and disengaged, not worrying about someone else's opinion when you decide to do something? I'm taking time for me and I don't want anyone holding me back when I choose to do something they don't understand or goodness forbid, don't approve of. So, for now, I have developed a shield against unwanted advances. So to all the men out there, if I smile at you and tell you not today, please understand I would like you to leave me be.