Diary of a Recovering Idiot

Chapter 21 - Maya's Words

Never have the words of one woman impacted my life to such an extent that I have been forced to stop and think. The first time I heard Dr. Maya Angelou's poem 'Still I Rise' it stopped me in my tracks and made me listen. I heard it while watching a movie so I didn't hear the entire poem in that instance, but the little I heard was like someone had given me a sucker punch. It gave me the motivation I needed and it let me know that despite everything that was going on, there was always a way to pulled myself out of whatever bad situation I was in. I should always strive for better and a know there was a reason to try to push for it.

I searched the Internet to find that poem, and when I did, I sat down and read it. You can't read a poem like this once, it is impossible... unwise even. You need to read it, read it again then keep it somewhere so you can keep going back to read this poem once more. Many may think it's just a poem, but I had never read such powerful words in my life and they touched me in the most profound way. Each phrase I read somehow lifted me and with the words "still I rise", my spirit lightened and I felt a little bit better. I was fortunate enough to discover this poem when the strain of my divorce was really starting to take a toll on my endurance and determination, but each word was like the boost I needed to keep me on my path. The ultimate healing balm that I needed when my body, mind and soul felt like it was being destroyed and I had no defense.

Each time I revisit and read this poem, I see the way Walter is behaving reflected in the words. I came to the conclusion that he wanted me to just crawl under a stone and stay there because that he had left me. Every word out of his mouth was always aimed at pulling me down and when I think back to the way he handled me throughout our courtship and subsequent marriage, I realize I couldn't see that he would let me get only so far but no further. He did it cleverly, taking my numerous suggestions then making it seem like they were not good enough for me so it would be better for me to find something worthy of me. Funny thing is that no matter what I discovered or came up with, nothing was good enough for me. What I didn't understand was what he was really saying I was nothing so should want nothing. I was supposed to stay in the little corner Walter had put me in and not even think of going any further.

How sad I was not to realize that Walter had me under his thumb and was cleverly keeping me in a position of subjection. I started to see his vindictive attitude by what he did to try to stop me from finding out the information about the loans and bank account. What was so wrong with me moving on? After all, he left me? It was like he wanted my life to be like the fourth verse of Maya Angelou's poem. "Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries."

I'm so sorry, but I can't oblige him with his twisted view of how he thinks my life should be. I have dreams of what I want and where I want my life to go and I won't let him hold me back when he no longer is a part of my life. So just like Dr. Maya Angelou's poem, I will take all that he tries to throw at me but I will make sure I will continue to rise to overcome my fears and uncertainties to take my place in this beautiful world.

There is no way I was going to keep letting Walter have his cake and eat it too. How dear he think he had the right to somehow still rule my life. Not for a hot second! I know he is going to catch kittens when he discovers he no longer has me over a barrel, and I have the equivalent of "gold mines in my backyard", due to my diligent attention to my little side work. I'm pulling myself further and further away from the well of despair that wanted to creep it's way into my life and pushing myself to find that elusive spark to make me stronger. I made sure that I would eventually win.

Self-motivation is a difficult thing, but it is the very thing that each of us must strive to find to push ourselves forward and reach the goals that we have envisioned. Find the strength deep within you and keep it rising because the very thing you seek to achieve is the hardest thing you will every try to do. You can bet when you need things to happen flawlessly, every problem that can happen, will happen. It will push you to such an extent that you will question if it is worth it all. It is worth every difficult day, because in the end when you have reached your goal and refused to let anyone trod you into the ground, no one can take it away.

No one has the right to deliberately pull another down, but when you look around, that seems to be the growing trend daily. This makes it even more important to have excellent grounding, so when someone starts to spiel a bunch of nothing to you, there is enough duck in your anatomy to let it all roll off your back. As simple as this poem is, the power it has to lift you from the pit that most people seem intent on throwing you into is what makes it so inspiring. Look at each little put-down and keep telling yourself, "Still I Rise". Keep telling yourself that is what you are going to do and fight to keep doing it.

I've become the champion for my own cause, fighting daily to motivatemyself and I do this by having little poems and mottos that I read time andagain to keep me going. No matter where you look in this world there will besomeone who will try to bring you down. Breathing deep has been working for me.When I breathe out I try to make sure that all the negative talk goes out andaway from me. Cleanse away the negative and keep the positive and slowly youwill make your way forward. Rising.