Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! I did a happy dance all around my bedroom after I got up because I'm truly happy to have reached this age. I've made it to the big 4 – 0. So what was I going to do with myself? Truthfully I didn't have a clue.
The decisions I made about changing the way I live my life are weighing on me. Saying I'm going to make a change and being all excited about the idea is easy. Actually changing is going to be the difficult part. It is when I'm just sitting there that the fear tries to creep in. I find myself asking, "What am I going to do?" Then the reality of the situation I'm in is there. Like the truth, it popped up in my face like a melon size pimple. I needed to do this for me.
I pulled deep, really opened my eyes and started to look around me. Finally, I could truly see. That is how I had the ultimate idea. I would go and spend the week at a hotel doing the spa thing. Yes people, I said it, the spa thing. Once the idea took over I started to plan. Where, but most of all when?
The when, ended up being the week following my birthday. The location, I choose a lovely hotel hidden away in a quiet area, with a to-die-for spa. It was the perfect place to cater to me, myself and I. It cost a mint, but frankly I didn't give a fly on a hippo's butt. For too long I allowed myself to be pushed into the background but no more. You should have seen me smiling till my cheeks hurt while I plotted my rebirth.
My plan is to use the escape as a chance to change my outside while I worked on adjusting my mental attitude. Everything in me said by changing these things in tandem I could give myself a chance for a better future. I'm not sure about the whole process, but I know I will try to do everything in my power to make me happy.
When I think back to the gifts that I have received for my birthday from my husband during our marriage, the most notable thing is that they were not really gifts for me. What the hell am I going to do with a vacuum cleaner for my birthday? Clean the house! Now that I really think back he always gave presents to the house, not me.
Thoughtless man, but blind of me for not noticing what Walter did year after year. Yes, these were the type of gifts my brilliant husband of eighteen years gave me for my birthday. Crap like that. This time, he bought me a blender despite asking me for a divorce, and pushed it into my hands with a half-hearted, "Happy Birthday". When I laughed in his face and pushed it back into his hands, his reaction was priceless.
"Go tell the house Happy Birthday, Walter, because you really can't be giving this to me." With that, I told him, "By the way you have to look after the kids next week because I won't be here." From there I went to the phone and booked my escape at the spa. I watched his jaw drop and to tell you the truth I didn't care. It was all about me and it felt good to shock him. When was the last time he showed true consideration for me?
Why were other women getting jewelry and the like on their birthdays but I was getting household appliances? Did I give off the impression that I didn't warrant lovely or expensive gifts? Are house related things all I can be interested in or do? If Walter thought that was the case then all I can say is what the kids say, 'epic fail'.
So I packed my bag and prepared myself for the experience of a lifetime. This would be my first time doing anything like this and I wanted to make sure I understood and utilized every opportunity that was available to me. Why the spa? It was something I have always heard the women in the office gossiping about and from what they were saying, it sounded like something amazing to do. I had told Walter about it when I first heard the stories, and he had said it was a bunch of foolishness and nothing I would like.
Interesting...especially considering every woman I have ever heard talk about going to the spa, was almost jumping out of her skin with excitement to tell someone about the amazing time she had while getting pampered. It was becoming evident that Walter had been managing me throughout our whole marriage but I never realized it. Don't let Lindsay ever get a hint of the good life or she will think she has a right to it like everybody else.
You don't believe me? Well, what do you think about this? As part of a marketing campaign, a new spa was giving away coupons for a free twenty-minute massage and I was handed one while I walked through the mall on the way to pay a bill. I took it home with me with the intention to read the flyer properly but when Walter saw it, he stated I shouldn't listen to every idiot out there trying to sell me something and walked away with it.
I tried to tell Walter it was free but he kept on walking and I never saw the coupon again. Funny thing was that two weeks later one of the women in the office was talking about the same coupon and how her 'friend' gave it to her and what a lovely time she had. Good for everyone else but not for me. Forget it, I'm not taking that crap any anymore.
When I went off to the spa my cell phone was ringing off the hook. It was to the point the lady giving me the massage told me that they advised their customers to turn their phones off if they truly wanted to relax. Believe it or not, it was the same husband that told me I no longer did it for him and he wanted a divorce, that was ringing my phone every few seconds. I'm finally getting some down time and he was intent on spoiling it.
I had changed after his declaration. First came the tears, then the anger, until finally a stronger woman emerged who was no longer willing to take the 'cakusducus' that he always dished out. I know 'cakusducus' is not a word but all I could do was invent a word for the level of crap I used to take from Walter.
I stopped taking Walter's calls that week. I called the kids and made sure they were fine but other than that I went through that week as if he didn't even exist. The result was, I finally experienced what it was like to have me be the center of attention. It wasn't just about the pampering but believe me, that was a nice change. It was the ability to do what I wanted when I wanted with no rude questions or ridicule.
Every day was a new experience and with each one that passed, I truly understood what I was missing. The main thing was that I got to simply sit down and think about where I really wanted to go with my life now that Walter was no longer going to be in it. I came up with options about the path I was going to take and for the first time, I can say I made a choice by myself and I was happy with the direction that stood before me.
It wasn't the luxury of the spa that made the biggest impact, though it was truly lovely. It was that I had finally given myself permission to be happy. It was like with every treatment, the person I was supposed to have been was struggling to show herself. I was like a butterfly fighting to break its way out of the sealed cocoon that had trapped me, it kept me away from the life I could be living...enjoying. I wanted it back, that life I didn't even realize I was letting slip through my fingers like water when I was seconds from dying of thirst.
Sometimes it takes something drastic to make you look at your life through fresh eyes but when you do, you are glad you finally took the time to do it. That week ended up being twenty years of intense revitalization in an impossible amount of time. As I peeled away the layers that kept me caged, I'm looking forward to my new freedom. It will be met with some interesting reactions. Especially by the people who are used to thinking I'm their personal serf. For once I don't fear change. In fact, this time, I'll embrace it with open arms.
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Recovering Idiot
ChickLit"It's time to trade up to a newer model," said Walter. "I had you for twenty years too long." Those were the words that threw my life into a tailspin and placed me on a journey of chaotic rediscovery. Soon it was a matter of surviving because I had...
