It's there, even when we are younger. The burning need to be accepted or to be liked and to this day it is a burden on our backs. We all hear it, the little voice in our head. It's there every day pulling at us to follow the crowd, to buy the clothes that are in fashion, it even wants us to make our houses look like what everyone considers to be the norm. When we really think about it, it goes back to the need not to stand out as strange, but to fit in.
When I was younger, in an eager need to follow the others my age, I wanted a boyfriend and more importantly a husband. Everyone I knew was in some way attached and I desperately wanted this. As a result, when Walter started talking to me, my eagerness to fit in allowed me to close my eyes and jump right in. My family tried to tell me I was doing the wrong thing, trusting the wrong man, but I didn't listen because I wanted to be like everyone and being with him did this for me.
The new assessments I've been forcing myself to make about my life, have made me realize how much I just followed what everyone did rather than made decisions based on what suited me. No more of that stupid, blind thinking. Now I have been considering the pros and cons of each decision rather than just doing what everyone thinks is best. There is a saying that there are three sides to a story, my side, your side and the truth, and I'm trying to see if I can look at every side and make out the truth. It's proving to be hard. After all, when you can just let someone point you in a direction and go there rather than doing the work that goes along with making a choice, most people are more than willing to go and not think.
At what cost, is all I can ask? I have seen the cost more than I would care to admit, and even in some of the most simple of things. When it wasn't my husband telling me what to think, wear or buy, it was some person in a store trying to make the highest possible commission at my expense. Like I have said, I'm done with that crap. Trying on clothes is now a must. Never again will I let any sweet-tongued sales person talk me into getting something that doesn't suit me or is outside my budget. They like to get you with that famous line, " but if you just apply for the store credit you could make the purchase madam". No thank you. The same goes when it comes to things for the house, the car...in short everything. The pushover has left the building.
Work is a whole different kettle-full of trouble and when I think about it, I'm reminded of a secondary school but in this instance populated by adults. Trying to fit in requires me to do my work and have no ideas or opinions of my own because of the position I hold. It's was like sucking up but on a whole new level. I hated it when I was in school and I hate it even more now I was a member of the working world. I've managed to keep below the radar but with the changes that are being made in my life, this can no longer work.
Me being just a brainless drone can't happen anymore. I can't live like that anymore. Over the years I have always seen solutions like flashing neon signs and it puzzled me that the people who were being paid to do the job couldn't see them at all. Several years back, when I had only been in my job about eight months, I tried to suggest a solution for a problem that the company had been battling with for a long time. I was told to stick to my job that I had no idea what was going on. The time to try had come again.
I was sitting in a meeting taking notes as usual when I decided to find the courage to open my mouth and speak up. You would have thought that we were in one of those movies when animals suddenly start to talk from the shock on everyone's face. It was hard for me not to laugh at them, but the solution to the problem was so obvious that as far as I was concerned a child could see. With those words, gone was the woman who fit in with the people who just came to work to do next to nothing and get paid. The new me had stepped into a different category, showcasing an individual who wanted to make an impact and move up the corporate ladder.
The boss looked at me in silence for several minutes and I could see he was assessing what I had just said. When one of the other staff members would have commented, he held up his hand for silence. He indicated for me to elaborate and when I outlined what I had envisioned he smiled. In his opinion, it was the perfect solution and he instructed me to set out the guidelines to implement it. He didn't even bother to listen to any other ideas.
From his decision came the looks, the whispers, and the nasty comments, but that didn't matter. The boss had taken note of my new focus and approved. He pulled me aside after the meeting and asking what were my plans for my future at the company. I told him the truth. I was tired of just doing the grunt work and the projects that the other staff couldn't be bothered to finish. I wanted to move up in the company, but in truth, I was uncertain of what path to take. By the end of the conversation, he told me he noted my ability to think quickly and solve problems and suggested I consider some aspect of management training. He also suggested I get my degree. The degree I had abandoned when I got married to Walter.
His words floored me. Even though furthering my education was something I was considering, I never thought I would hear it from my boss. What he said had given me something I really had to think about. I had been so used to following that it was a strange thing to be asked for my opinion regarding anything. Coupled with that, the accomplishment I felt when I saw my idea being implemented and working out flawlessly was unlike anything I have ever experienced.
As a result of the talk I had with my boss, I have started looking into management courses like he suggested. I needed to investigate to discover if this opportunity was something I would really want to do. True, to add this course would be a massive addition to my language class, but it was something I had to do. It seems all I really needed to do was to stop trying to fit in and that is when I would be at my very best. Now I must continue to keep directing my life the way I want it to go. Turning around your life is like turning around a huge cruise ship, it about making tiny adjustments that will become obvious along the course of your trip. In time I will get to where I want to be and be comfortable in my own skin.
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Recovering Idiot
ChickLit"It's time to trade up to a newer model," said Walter. "I had you for twenty years too long." Those were the words that threw my life into a tailspin and placed me on a journey of chaotic rediscovery. Soon it was a matter of surviving because I had...
