It takes a lot to go your own way. A determination that is repeated daily in your head that helps to guide you no matter what life decides it's going to rake up and throw at you. In the midst of this, I can add in the things I see and the people I meet daily that often influence what I do with my life even though I don't even realize it. Despite the impact they have, I had to keep telling myself it's up to me to know how much I wish to allow myself to be influenced by anything or anyone. It has become very important for me to know who I am and have a strong sense of what I stand for.
There is a saying, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." Well, I can agree with that a million percent. One look back at my past and you can see that I'm a testament of that twisted fall. With everything that is now coming to light of my life, what else can I say? In the past, I always had Walter as the full focus of my existence. What does that say about me? A man is so much the reason for my existence that I give up myself, my worth and at no point could I function without him. I can only reason that I was pathetic.
Now that we have established that, moving on. Yes, I have been working at becoming a more independent person but believe me, it often is so much easier to go along with what other people are saying than to have to think for yourself. The sad thing is the even though it may seem easy, it is often the consequences of doing this that makes what seems so easy at first end up being nothing but a fountain of trouble. Finding out things on my own and doing the necessary research so that I'm not blindly following what someone says has now become the core of my existence.
Yes, I agree opinions are important, but more importantly, I have discovered that the ability to form my own opinion from a point of truth and not just he say or she say, is what is needed. Something that I've also learned is to also take into account is the motive of the persons giving the opinion. What is in it for them?
Gain, the biggest motivator in the world is what. Just take a look at all the celebrity-endorsed items that are flashed on television screens worldwide. Some of them work but not all. We take what others say as the truth when we know that they are probably being paid for every word they say. The results seem real, they are the big shots and if they say an item works then it has to works right...right. That is why I made it my business to investigate what is being said to me. Ask questions, look online if that is an option or just plain observe what is going on when dealing with the product. Then you will know if it will work or not.
I realized that being able to make choices that are best for me started by making sure I was secure and knew myself. My habit of self-analysis has been a huge help. It took time, but in the end, it was one of the most important processes I did for myself. It didn't matter that how frustrating it was to really have an in-depth look at my life, but I'm glad I did it.
I have also made it a point that I make sure I have a look at my life seriously at the end of every month to see how close I am to reaching the goals I have set for myself. Trying to reach my goals is never easy and with all the little things going on around me all it takes is the smallest distraction to get side tracked. Determination of the highest order is needed to win my fight to success and single-minded blindness.
When I really think about it, living life is like having a sound in your head and following the drummer as he beats out the rhythm. I will often hear other tunes coming from different directions and what is this? It is the different opinions that I encounter daily. It is up to me to always be the bandmaster of my life and shape the direction I take. It's my life so I should make sure I know the sound I plan to follow. When I follow someone else, I don't know the tune that is being played. The direction and decisions are totally up to him or her. If it is their agenda, there is no guarantee that my interest will be considered and that is what landed me in nothing but endless trouble in the past.
Happiness is the mantra I'm trying to live up too when it comes to following my own drummer and it is the only motivator I plan to take into account. At no point do I expect it to be simple. In fact, with all the things going on around me that wish to serve as distractions, it is vital that I learn to put the different aspects of life into compartments. It is a beautiful thing, re-discovering myself, and with every step of my journey, a pruning takes place to shape and reveal my hidden depths.
With every revelation of myself, it becomes more obvious that I never had a clue about my own thoughts or desires when I married Walter. Who is the real Lindsay? An excellent question and one I should have answered long before I put myself into the beautiful union of matrimony. I was talking to someone recently and we ended up on the topic of how much she had changed in the last five years. One thing she said that really struck me was that too many women got married too early. Sadly, before they really know themselves.
What she said rang true on so many levels. I realized that if I don't know myself, how am I ever going to know the truth and heart of the man I'm involved with. The older folks where I live always say "come see me and come live with me is two different thing" and believe me to is so true when it comes to people. The lovely man who was courting me can end up having some habits that I am very disturbed by and sadly I only discover them after you have sealed the deal. If I knew myself better I would know what I was willing to tolerate and be better able to spot the things that may lead to complications in a relationship. Know myself so I will know what I will ideally want in a man. A realistic man ladies, not an impossible storybook character.
I now look at things very differently. I understand that what I see when it comes to a person or thing, is like seeing an iceberg. I could bet my life there are a lot of hidden depths that I can't even begin to know about. That is why with people the getting to know you process is vital but even then there is so much more to discover. So I keep telling myself, 'know what you want', 'know the direction you want your life to take'. It isn't easy and sadly I will not always make the right decision, but I'm learning. By knowing myself, I see the right or wrong choices I make. The key thing it that in the end, I know and understand the tune I'm following no matter who is by my side.
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Recovering Idiot
ChickLit"It's time to trade up to a newer model," said Walter. "I had you for twenty years too long." Those were the words that threw my life into a tailspin and placed me on a journey of chaotic rediscovery. Soon it was a matter of surviving because I had...
