It's Always Been You

Chapter Three; Never Deserve Him

I play with the food on my plate as I attempt to carry on a conversation with my mother. Prim babbles on about school, and how everyone is talking about Peeta and I's wedding.

After the games, Prim has become more popular with almost everyone in school. She has more friends than before, and I can't help but be happy for her. I've always been alone, with only Gale and Madge to talk to. Maybe without me around, friends are what she truly needs.

"Katniss, are you excited for the wedding?" My mother asks, nodding and offering me a smile.

"I am!" Prim interrupts, smiling widely "Sorry." She whisper, looking down, "but Katniss, you're going to look so beautiful. I can't wait to see you in the dress you picked."

I smile, squeezing Prims cheek jokingly and ruffling her hair. "I am definitely happy that I'll be able to get it over with. Maybe Peeta and I won't have to go up to the Capitol every month anymore."

I look back down at my plate, frowning. I know that will never happen. Two months after the wedding, is the reaping. The second week in July to be exact. My terror for this year is indescribable. I know that the chances of Prim being picked are slim to none, but that is the same thing I thought last year. To top it off, I will be mentoring two kids for the quarter quell, one of the deadliest games that will ever exist.

"I should get going." I say, wrapping my arms protectively around Prim. "Peeta is expecting me soon." I lie. Peeta is at the bakery all day, but on most days around this time I meet Haymitch at his house for a few drinks, meaning around 10 to 15 drinks...

Usually, when Peeta gets home from the bakery, I'm already passed out on the couch, and I don't wake until late, screaming from the nightmares. Alcohol can't solve all of life's problems, but it sure solves most of them.

I knock on the door, trying to wait patiently for Haymitch to answer. When he does, I'm surprised to see that he is sober.

"Great news." He scoffs, plopping down at the kitchen table. I sit across from him, raising an eyebrow. "The district doesn't have any alcohol in stock, and since you've been stealing all of my liquor, I'm afraid I'm all out too."

"Why the hell is there no alcohol?" I say, slamming my hand on the table and huffing. "There's no food here, but they've always made it a priority to stock the shops with liquor."

"The big wedding is happening in less that a week." Haymitch says, pretending that it's a huge ordeal and waving his hands in the air. "The people of the Capitol thought it'd be a great idea to save all of the alcohol for the wedding... They thought it'd be... What do you call it? Fun! Yes, that's it."

"That's so fucking dumb." I whisper with an eye roll.

"Oh, looks like you'll be forced to speak to your fiancé for one night." Haymitch hisses, standing up from the table to pour himself a glass of water.

"What the hell did I do to deserve your attitude?" I scoff, crossing my arms. "All I did was come over for a drink like I do every day."

"Let me talk some sense into you, kid..." Haymitch says, coming closer to my face. I can still smell the leftover alcohol on his breath and it makes me want it even more. "I walked past the bakery today, and heard Peeta's mother screaming at him. I caught a glimpse of him in the window, crying. But his mother wasn't screaming at him for something dumb, like some damn bread or pastries. She was screaming at him to leave you because you don't treat him right. Peeta is hurting, and all you do is get drunk and accept his love when you're vulnerable and sad. And to be completely honest with you, you and I both know that Snow wants a bun baking in your own oven in a year, maybe even a few months. You better warm up to him sooner or later."

"I'm not having children," I protest, raising my voice. "And as for the whole 'warming up' thing goes, I don't just accept Peeta's love when I need him. Peeta and I spend plenty of time together for a fake couple. We live together for gods sake."

Haymitch shakes his head. "I drink, because I have no one. You, on the other hand, have your mother, your sister, and a boy who is madly in love with you. You are obviously unable to care about anyone else but you for two seconds to realize it. You could live a million lifetimes and never deserve that boy."

+++

"Where were you?" Peeta asks, as soon as I enter our home. He looks worried, shaken even. I hang my coat up and place my hand on his shoulder.

"I was just at Haymitch's." I whisper with a nod. "What's wrong?"

He rolls an eye. "You were drinking, I presume." Shaking his head, he turns to walk away.

Peeta hates when I drink, and I don't blame him. Once, I came home so drunk, that I threw up on the both of us. He had to bathe me while I sobbed and threatened to kill myself.

"Wait." I say, grabbing his arm and pulling it back to me. "No, I wasn't drinking. Not today. We were just talking."

He nods, walking back into the kitchen to make dinner, I assume. I follow him, sitting across from him at the counter. I grab myself a glass from the pantry and pour myself a glass of tea to calm my urge for some liquor.

"Why did you look so shaken when I came in?" I ask worriedly, placing my hand over his and squeezing it. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." He insists, cutting some of the squirrel meat we were storing in our refrigerator and placing it in a pot. "I just took a nap. I left the bakery early, because I wanted to see you before you got home. I had a nightmare, that's all."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here." I whisper. "I didn't know you got nightmares frequently... You don't thrash around or scream."

"My nightmares are usually about losing you," he says subtly, looking up at me. "I'm okay once I realize you're here, but today you weren't."

I frown. "I'm fine, Peeta." I whisper, giving him a reassuring nod. "I'm not going anywhere. You know that?"

"I know." He says, coming over to me and pulling me close. I wrap my arms around him, listening to the steady thud of his heartbeat. It's surprisingly soothing.

"Peeta?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry... For everything. I'm going to try harder."