It's Always Been You

Chapter Eighteen; The Night Before

I sit against the wall on the rooftop, my legs dangling over the edge. All of the Capitol citizens are below me, screaming and partying. I should be used to this by now. It feels as if every time I'm up here, all I have to see are the well fed Capitol citizens from below. It's sickening.

I suppose it's about 3:00 a.m. I know I can't stay here all night, but I want to. I don't want to face Peeta. I don't want to have to look up into his eyes and know I've hurt him. I don't know if I can fix us this time. I've completely pushed him away from me, and for what? I know I can't be with anyone else, anyway, so why am I treating Peeta so poorly?

"I figured you were up here." I hear a low voice call from behind me. I turn to see Peeta still dressed in his outfit from earlier. I sniffle, quickly wiping the tears from my face with my sleeve. He sits across from me, and when I look at his face, I can see immediately that he has been crying. "I've been worried about you."

"What for?" I ask, pulling my knees in and resting my head on them.

"I've been terrible to you this past week, and I feel horrible. I've just been stubborn and worried about the games. I've just been childish. I shouldn't act like that. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Peeta." I say, looking down at the ground below. "I can't give you what you want. I'm vulnerable, depressed, crazy, and now we've thrown pregnant into the mix, so I should probably be in the asylum by now." I say, jokingly.

Peeta chuckles, flashing me a crooked smile. It's been so long since I've seen him smile. "I don't know what we are, Katniss." He whispers, turning more serious. "I don't know if you love me, and I truthfully don't know where we stand."

A tear falls from my eye, and I quickly wipe it. I take a slow, deep breath, trying to hold my emotions back. "I don't know either, Peeta. I just don't know. I wish I could have a break and just relax like we did when we were on our honeymoon. When we were alone, I felt like I could truly get to know you. Of course we know each other, but to what extent? I want to love you so much, but there's something holding me back. That thing holding me back is the fear of losing you and everything falling apart."

"You don't have to love me." He says, coming closer to me. "I'm never going to leave, though. I'm going to support you and support this baby. No matter the faults and little arguments that we have, I'll always be right here. I understand that you're still trying to figure things out, and when you do, I'll be willing to accept what you want to do."

"I want you, Peeta." I whisper, looking into his eyes. "I want you with me for the rest of my life. I want to feel your bare skin against mine, and I want your soft, full lips pressed against my skin." I sigh. "We have a baby on the way. It's time to let this go. We need to stop kissing in front of cameras and barely speaking in real life. Our whole relationship is be based off of the fact that we were forced together. I know that if we hadn't been forced, I'd be with you. Because it's always been you. It's always been you to protect me from the nightmares, it's always been you to make me feel safe, and it's always been you who fulfills my life in a way that no one else can."

"I'd do anything for you." He whispers, bringing his hand to my hair and brushing it from my face. "Now come on, come to bed. I've missed having you next to me at night. I need you in my arms."

I follow Peeta down to our room, crawling into bed with him. Neither of us bother to say anything. What needed to be said has already been spoken. It's always been him.