It's Always Been You

Chapter Eight; Satisfied

I open my eyes to complete darkness, choking and gasping for air. Tears well in my eyes, and the only thing left that I can possibly do I scream. I sit up, keeling over and burying my head into my pillow. I scream for Peeta at the top of my lungs, sobbing into my hands. He quickly wakes, nearly jumping over to me and grabbing me to calm me down. He rocks me back and forth, kissing my tear stained face and squeezing me tightly.

"It's okay, it's okay!" He says, stroking my tangled hair. "You're safe. You're with me. I'm here, Katniss."

I can't seem to calm down as I quiver and shake uncontrollably. Peeta lays back down, pulling me with him and letting me rest my head on his chest. I listen to the steady thud of his heartbeat, concentrating deeply on its steady beats. Despite how tired he may be, Peeta doesn't take his eyes off of me. He makes circular motions with his hand on my arm in attempt to soothe me. I can't seem to shake the dream, and I am left sobbing for what feels like hours on end.

After a while, Peeta sits me up, letting me rest my head in the crook of his neck. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks shakily. "Your dream, I mean."

I rarely want to speak of them. I want to confine them as much as possible in fear that Peeta will be disinterested and not want to hear of my problems. However, after such a terrifying, long nightmare, talking about it is the only thing that will help me at this point.

I pull away from his loving embrace, facing him and reaching for his hand. I grasp it, never wanting to let go. "I– It was you, Prim, and someone I didn't recognize. You were in the meadow, holding a small child. Prim was next to you, looking towards me. You looked... Happy." I stop for a moment, attempting to collect myself from falling apart. "I walked to you, but there was just so much distance between us. You were right in front of my eyes, but I couldn't reach you." I let out a short sob. "Peace Keepers appeared out of nowhere and took the child from your arms. I don't know who the child was, but I felt some sort of connection to it. They killed it right in front of our eyes, and they quickly moved to you, shooting both you and Prim." I clench my eyes shut, breathing heavily. "I just couldn't move, Peeta." I say, tears streaming down my face again. "I watched them kill you, Prim, and the child and I just couldn't help you. And it made me truly think about us... what they'll do. I can't save you, and I'm sorry."

"Katniss, I don't need you to save me. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I will protect you and Prim at any cost. I will never leave you."

"Peeta, if you're going to protect anyone, protect yourself. Please, for me. I don't think I could ever live without you."

"You're never going to have to live without me. I'm here forever and always."

I force a smile on my face, nodding as I breathe heavily into his chest. "Come here," he whispers. "I want to show you something." He grabs my hand, pulling me towards the small art studio that is connected to the beach house. He opens to door, turning the light on and my jaw drops. Along the walls, are perfectly accurate photos of the arena. Every single painting shows a different area. It's almost exactly the same. I run my hand along the smooth canvases, turning to Peeta.

"How did you remember this?" I ask curiously as I look at all of the small details. There isn't anything missing. Every image portrays something that I remember closely.

"I see the arena every night. It's hard to forget. Painting what I see helps me cope." I look back to him. His face is tear stained, and he looks worn out. I doubt I look any better. "I don't thrash around or scream during the night. I just wake up. I remember every small detail, so I paint them when I get a chance. It makes me feel as if I'm releasing the horrifying images from my head and they are forced to just live on the canvas."

I think for a moment, recalling the nights that I would wake up and see Peeta wide awake, or when he falls asleep just in mid conversation during the day. Have could I have been so stupid? I should have known that Peeta struggles just as much as me. I've been so selfish. "I didn't know your nightmares were that bad, Peeta," I whisper. "I'm so sorry that I've been so preoccupied with myself."

"I don't usually talk about my nightmares, Katniss. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I wanted to show you this, because I thought maybe it'd help you. We can work through the nightmares together. I have more at home..." He pauses for a moment, shaking his head. "I actually painted the walls of the art studio with this. I've been working on them since the games. We can get through this, Katniss. I know it. I will help you through mentoring and interviews. I want to keep you safe and happy. I don't expect anything in return. I know that you're still unsure of us, and I don't want to force you into doing anything that you don't want to do. If you don't want to be intimate anymore, we don't have to. I want you to make all of the decisions. I just hate seeing you so unhappy."

I shake my head. "I like being intimate, Peeta. I don't want to stop that." I whisper embarrassed as I bite my lip.

"I like that too," Peeta says, offering me a subtle grin.

"I just can't make you happy," I whisper. "I'm crazy, stupid, vulnerable, and scared all wrapped into one. I want to give you what you want, I just... I just can't."

"All I need is to know that you're safe." He whispers, stroking my knotted hair from my face. "As long as I know you are loved and safe, I will be satisfied."

"Thank you, Peeta." I whisper, placing a small kiss on his tear stained cheek. I decide against asking him what is wrong, because I know that all of the pain that he feels is caused by me.