It's Always Been You

Chapter Thirty Five: Not Going Anywhere

"You're afraid to tell him," Brinley says, staring at me wide eyed from across the room. I shake my head.

"I'm not afraid to tell him because he'll be unhappy, I'm afraid because I almost died with the first, I'm a shit mother, and telling him makes it real." I walk over to the ground where my son is playing with his toys. It's late, but I decided to let Peeta sleep since Hunter wouldn't stay down. After all, lost time needs to be made up for.

Brinley and I having talks like this into the night isn't anything new. Unfortunately I see myself in her more than anyone I've ever met. She volunteered for her sister. I don't want to see her die. I truly can't. It'll break me. She can't know that though. No one can know that. I always have to remain strong, no matter what.

"You should go to bed." I say softly, scooping Hunter into my arms. "You have individual ratings tomorrow. You better rest up."

"It's not like I'm going to get anything significant." Brinley says, looking at me intently. "I can't pass up an 11. Or the 12 that the girl got last year. I just don't care."

"You should care," I try to say and mean it. It's not that I'm completely unhappy. It's not that I've completely lost hope in everything. Peeta gives me hope. Perhaps the hope that Peeta gives me is all I need.

"Tell Peeta." She says, walking towards her room. I nod, carrying Hunter back to Peeta and I's bedroom and shutting the door softly. A part of me wonders how this happened again. I wonder if I'll survive another birth. I wonder how I'll handle being a mother to yet another child. I tuck Hunter into his crib, walking slowly over to Peeta. Tears begin to well in my eyes but I attempt to keep my composure. I tap his shoulder lightly, and his bright blue eyes open, staring me in the eyes.

"Hey," he groans, stretching his arms out to grab me. "I'm glad you're here. I missed you." He says, and I smile lightly. I miss when it was normal to have light conversations with Peeta. Lately it's been so formal. I know it has all to do with me. I've been distant and awful lately, and it needs to change.

"Peeta," I say, grasping his hand. "I have news. I don't know if it's good or bad, I just know that you have to listen and please don't be mad at me."

"Katniss what now?" He asks, sitting up. He seems angry, almost like he's tired of me messing up. He walks over to Hunter's cot where he stares down at our son. He kisses him on the forehead and walks back to bed, sitting down in front of me. "What?"

I want to be strong. I want to just simply tell him I'm pregnant and let it be over with, but I hate when he's angry with me. I hate knowing I'm ruining everything good that I could have. I stare at him, my lip quivering.

"Katniss..." he says. I don't look at him. Instead I fall into a pool of sobs, sitting next to him. I try not to wake Hunter. It seems that I cry more than my seven month old son cries. I feel stupid. I feel insignificant, like I ruin everything.

"I'm sorry. I promise I'll try harder. I have to try harder. I can't let myself get into these episodes anymore, Peeta I have to be a better mother." I mutter, standing and pacing around our bedroom. I am a rollercoaster of emotions. "I have to be a better mother for Hunter and for the other baby I have to-."

"What did you just say?" Peeta cuts me off abruptly, staring at me.

"I said I have to be better..." I whisper, staring at him.

"No, you said for the other baby. What are you talking about, Katniss?"

I walk into his embrace, placing my head directly in the crook of his neck. "I'm pregnant, Peeta. We're going to have another baby."

He looks down at me, a small smile on his face. "Another baby? That's just-wow." He whispers, kissing my temple. "B-but what about the birth, Katniss? You barely survived the last one. You know I can't live without you."

"I know." I say shortly, holding him close to me. I'm going to be fine. I promise. Don't worry about me."

"How could I not worry about you? I love you more than anything. Why do you think I'm so tough on you? I want you to be happy and healthy. I don't want to know a world without Katniss Everdeen."

"Mellark." I correct him, looking up at him. "I promise. I'm not going anywhere."