There's The Cat and Then There's Me [boyxboy]

Chapter Eighteen: Shame and Consequence

I couldn’t sleep.

Dragging the heavy quilt over my head I groaned quietly in the darkness. Still, the extra layer of blackness did nothing to soothe the nauseating sickness in my stomach. It was still there, residing from the moment I read the cursed text to now; shadowing every thought that crossed my mind, following every move I made, numbing me to the core.

Accel stirred beside me, throwing his arm over my bare chest, the warmth of his body a slight comfort as he tugged me closer. He buried his face into my shoulder, breath stirring the hairs on the nape of my neck, the steady sound quieting my fraying nerves. I was acutely aware of his presence, every centimetre of his skin that brushed my own burned with this secret emotion that I failed to completely understand.

He loves me…

Something lodged in the back of my throat at the thought, choking me and drawing stinging tears to the surface. Don’t cry Andrew, you can’t let him see you like that anymore.

I shouldn’t have yelled like that… not at him. The only person who as ever shown me some kind of compassion and not led me on by lies… whose shown me love, true love, not just some made up ‘like’, and I scream at them and tell them I hate them. I take everything they’ve given me and throw it down in the dust.

What kind of person does that make you?

Stifling a sob I turned in his arms, wrapping my own around his body until he cradled me. Even in his sleep he was so perfect, it hurt merely to look at him, knowing that my own imperfection could never match him, knowing that it degraded him.

Casting slight shadows and shedding the softest of light, the moon hung heavily in the sky outside… somehow it seemed to make perfect the sombre mood. It sculpted his face like an angel… a dark angel. My dark angel. Ironic really, considering I found that idea so terrifying only a couple of days ago. Wincing I glanced down at my chest, the bruises still caging my heart barely visible now. I could feel the old bandaid on my foot roughly catching the sheets. Because Ace is really going to kill you right?

Maybe he will… if he keeps loving you like this. You’re only hurting him you know… you pulled him into this mess.. it’s you’re fault that he could get hurt.

Cold nostalgia swept over my body in a crushing wave at the terrifying thought… Ace didn’t need to be involved in this… this wasn’t anything to do with him! I was dragging him into a situation that he didn’t need to be involved in… wasn’t it enough that I was staying with him? In reality I hadn’t even told him about my paren- I mean… guardians… yet. God knows when I should breach THAT subject. I scrunched my eyes against the heavy pain inside my chest. I had to fix this! I couldn’t let him get hurt because of something as worthless as myself…

I just can’t…

Gripping the thick sheets tightly, I hugged him close, even rocking back and forth as I fiercely whispered to him in the mottled darkness.

“I’m sorry Accel… I’m so sorry for everything. I never meant for this to happen… never! I mean I never even thought…” Pain crashed into my chest again, shooting bullets through my volatile heart.

“God knows… I love you. Okay? I do… at least I think I do. I mean I don’t even really know what ‘love’ is meant to feel like, but I’m pretty sure this is it.”

I made a promise to myself in that moment. I’m not going to drag him into this. Whatever it is… I can deal with it myself. I’m not going to let him suffer anymore. Not for me and not for anyone else. It’s my fault.

He’ll survive better without me.

I have to let him go.

“I’m so sorry…” my voice seemed to echo in the silence. Underneath my cheek his heart beat steadily, his breath seemed to hitch in that one second however, before returning to a deep slumber. Closing my eyes against the tears, I breathed in, allowing myself this one last comfort. He still smelt like coffee and dark chocolate, an overpowering sensual musk that very nearly broke my fraying willpower to leave.

Nearly but not quite.

 I was doing this for him.

Relishing the last touches my fingertips would get of his perfect skin I traced patterns over his heart, knowing that he will forever have mine… strange considering how unwilling I was to let him in at first, how fast I’d fallen for his dark character. I drank everything in, the soft strands of his hair against the white of his pillow, the perfect arc of his lips, the shine of his piercing as it nestled in the crook of mouth and the matching one at the end of his eyebrow. Porcelain skin lay perfected by the moonlight, handsome features carved by a master hand. Black hair lay softly over his forehead, left side blending with the length of his thick feathery eyelashes as they rested on his sleeping cheek.  

He looked so harmless… so innocent. So painful...

Wrenching my eyes away, before I lost myself I escaped from his grasp, glad that I hadn’t looked into his eyes; knowing that if I had I would’ve lost self control.

Tears slipped from my eyes, my lungs gasping for breath around the clenching of my heart. But still I pushed forward, sliding of the bed and scrambling quietly for my things. Every second was agonizing, knowing what I was doing…. what I was giving up… who I was protecting. It had to end. Any clothes I found I threw on my body, furiously wiping away the escaped drops from my eyes, attempting to steel myself against the crushing waves of despair. I had to do this. Had to. I couldn’t let him suffer because of me. Tomorrow I was going to find these people… they could have me, they could do whatever the hell they wanted with me… but they couldn’t touch him. Not on my life.

With a final scan around the room, purposefully avoiding the bed, I squinted in the darkness, seeking anything that I had left behind. Then, feeling as though my heart and soul had been cut brutally from my body I whispered the words, “I love you,” one last time into the darkness. Possibly the last time ever.

Nothing stirred in the room, maybe if it had I would have stayed, But it didn’t… he didn’t.

It’s for him… you’re doing this for him, because you love him.

You’re letting him go because you love him.

Leave now.

Because you love him.

Quickly I breathed out, shutting and opening my eyes one last time to brace myself.

Gently I picked up my gym bag, quietly slipped down the hall, past the living room and kitchen to the front door. I didn’t dare glance behind me… I didn’t even dare to breathe. I stepped over the threshold into the inky black night, away from him, away from my heart, away from what was right.

This is for him. This is right.

With a final steadying breath, my foot left the small apartment block, knowing that tomorrow will be the day my life will change forever.

It’s for the best.