The 80s

Denial

I tried to change.

Closed my mouth more.

Tried to be softer, prettier, less awake.

Fasted for 60 days,

wore white

abstained from mirrors

abstained from sex.

Slowly did not speak another word.

In that time my hair I grew past my ankles.

I slept on a mat on a floor

I swallowed a sword.

I levitated.

Went to the basement, confessed my sins and was baptized in a river.

Got on my knees and said Amen

And said I mean

I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.

I threw myself into a volcano

I drank the blood and drank the wine.

I sat alone in bed and bent at the waist for God.

I crossed myself in thought

I saw the devil.

I grew thickened skin on my feet

I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book,

But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.

Are you cheating on me?

Michael and I had a crazy argument when we got home. I remember I was jetlagged because I wanted to fly home right after the show. I'm not the biggest fan of New York City. I love shopping in Soho but it's really noisy and being from the bayou doesn't really prepare you for it either.

Anyway he was quiet the entire flight but he wanted to talk my ear off when we got home. And by talk I mean yell. I didn't listen to him much. I was too tired. He's lucky I was tired because he raised his voice to the "get knocked the hell out" octave.  All I remember is he said "Do you know how you just made me look?" then he proceeded to yell at me about how I "punked him out." on national television. I have never seen Michael get as mad at me as he did last night. Normally he kisses me and tells me its ok. Last night was something I have never seen before. Since he was so mad about Prince. I decided to confront him about being at the "studio" all night and coming home at 3:00 in the morning. He procceded to stutter excuses until he stormed out. He hasn't been back since. Either he went "to the studio" to get what he hasn't been getting from me or he's at Havenhurst across town. I don't know I wouldn't put it past Michael to be with Diana.

"Damn Jasmyn, you could start a home depot with all the flowers in this room." Gigi bursted out. "Why does Michael get you all these anyway? Guilty conscience?"

"Girl Michael ain't buy me shit."

"If it wasn't Michael then it was-Ooooooh"

"Exactly." I placed my notebook down and stuff it under my mattress. Naomi came back into my bedroom with a bowl of popcorn and took a seat on the pile of pillows her and Gigi made on the floor. I had been hanging out with Naomi a lot lately. She's the only person that doesn't criticize what I do every 30 seconds. It's quite a relief.

"Ok your debuting Vision of Love at the Grammy's exactly a month from today. Any ideas?" Gigi tilted her head up at me while she watched TV.

"Oh I have an idea!" Naomi sat up.