The 80s

Intuition

I tried to make a home out of you.

But doors lead to trap doors.

A stairway leads to nothing.

Unknown women wander the hallways at night.

Where do you go when you go quiet?

You remind me of my father.

A magician.

Able to exist in two places at once.

And the tradition of men in my blood
you come home at 3 am and lie to me.

What are you hiding?

The past and the future emerge to meet us here.

What luck.

What a fucking curse.

January 28, 1985.

I tucked the pen into the spine and set my notebook on my bath table. I had been sitting in the tub for a while. Wallowing in my thoughts. I've felt a little nauseous lately. It's not anything I've eaten. I know i'm not pregnant, I just got off my period yesterday. Michael was oddly up early considering he came home late at night.

3:24

I know because I was up. It's not like I sleep much these days anyway. Michael didn't know that I was up of course. His normal routine is to kiss me on the cheek, pull me in and drift off into his slumber. All while I laid awake listening to his shallow breathing until I got lost in my thoughts again.

He's watching TV in the living room, laughing so loud it echoes through the entire hotel room. I heard footsteps run up the down the hallway and into the room.

"Hey babe you have to see this stand up show by Eddie Murphy it's hilarious." Michael said as he walked into the bathroom.

"Did it just come on?"

"No I actually just caught it on TV, it's really funny you should come watch."

"I will as soon as I get done." He smiled and leaned down to give me a kiss, but I moved my head to the side and he kissed my cheek. He gave me a confused look.

"I haven't brushed my teeth yet." I lied. There was a knock on the door and he gave me another kiss on the forehead before he left to get it.

"Hi Michael." I heard Hannah greeting Michael. "She up?"

"Yeah she's in the tub.." He told her and soon after I hear her heels clicking down the hallway.

"Hey girl how you holdin' up?" Hannah peeked her head into the bathroom, a big smile on her face. Something I haven't genuinely done in a long time. I just looked at her, I didn't say a word. Her smile disappeared.

"That bad huh?"She hopped up on the counter and crossed her legs. I still didn't answer her.

"Still not talking to me?" I shook my head at her.

"Look Jas I-" She opened her mouth but stopped for a second, looking for the right words. "I know your sad right now but your going to the American Music Awards tonight. Picture it walking the red carpet in a designer dress, face beat to the high heavens."

I leaned my head back and closed my eye. "Is that supposed to make me feel better." I finally said.

"Come on your presenting an award tonight, you have to cheer up. Your gonna bum out the winners."

"Whatever Hannah." I motioned for her to hand me my towel.

"We have to start getting ready in 20 minutes if we're gonna make it to the red carpet one time." she told me. I snatched my towel from her and walked past her into the bedroom.