The 80s

Plotting & Planning

The first decision I had to make as my own manager was: What do you want?

Do you want to be successful at radio?
Do you want a successful tour?
Do you want to kiss asses?
Do you want a career?
Do you want to focus on your life?

What do you want?

I noticed that my more soulful tracks weren't as popular yet my dance tracks were. The ones where I know I poured everything I had into them, no one noticed them. Sony never let me release them as singles. They told me that "kids don't want heartbreak, they want to dance."

So I decided I wanted me back. I wanted my soul back. I started on the 'Essence of Me' album and I'm gonna continue, no going back now. I wanted to say how I felt and if you didn't like it, then go listen to Madonna. I didn't wanna be cool anymore. I wanted to be honest. You can be honest and funky. I was sick of performing and looking out into the crowd at faces. I knew that if I made the wrong move I would never see them again.

I wanted bridges and chord changes and I'm gonna sing about love, good and bad, bittersweet endings and deep rooted hate and depression, loneliness, resentfulness.

I wanted to be sad, passionate, raw, vulnerable and free in my music. I wanted to be gravely and loud, I wanted to scream, cry, and smile. I think when I'm recording this album. I'm gonna have to record it alone. When I'm recording in the studio, I wanna close my eyes and feel. Anybody that's gonna distract me from that they won't be allowed in the studio.

I don't wanna hear anything about song structure. I just wanna be free to be an artist in the studio.

I clenched my sides, trying to ease the pain of laughing so hard. I was missing the hell out of my family, especially my mom. So I had a sort of family sleep over last night. My mom, my older sister Micayla and my little brother Steven.

My brother and mom were currently play fighting in the living room to much of Micayla and I's enjoyment. My mom had my little brother in a headlock, taunting him by taking off his glasses.

He clawed the table next to him and grabbed my picture frame. "Imma beat you with this." he chuckled.

"Put that picture frame down before you break it!" she demanded, snapping back into maternal mode.

"Let go of my neck before you break it !" He reached his arm back trying and failing to hit her in the head. My breath hitched in my throat before my laughter turned into a cackle. I clenched my legs together, trying not to pee and sprinted off to the bathroom. Everyone's laughter echoing through the house.

"I didn't wanna be the one to say this but I think this family's disinegrating." I yelled from the bathroom as I was washing my hands. I ran back into the room to see everything had calmed down and I took my spot back on the couch.

"We disinegrated a long time ago." Steven declared, smug look on his face.

"Blame ya' daddy."

"Oh we do." I assured her.

"You just had to stop and get washing powder mom. You could've went to Wal-Mart but you had to just had to stop there." She flicked him off and walked into the kitchen to check on her pasta. She's strange because she like to eat plain rotini pasta. No salt, pepper, cheese. Nothing. It's like a stress reliever to her.