Heavy Wears The Crown

Thirty Eight

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in that you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah. I knew you were trouble when you walked in so shame on me now."

---------- I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift -----------

Waking up. Oh, waking up. Waking up was terrible. I woke up with a massive hangover next to a man I had known for only months. A man I certainly shouldn't have been laying with now. This was initially terrifying, and then the memories of the night before flooded me and I felt even worse.

Seeing Kaleb again, kissing Nolan, the fight, the love, the tabloids, and then Holden. I had to run through the night with Holden several times to assure myself nothing had happened. He'd turned me down...a few times.

Waking up to him was initially terrifying but no...nothing had happened. It was a small, sliver, of silver lining along big, angry, ugly, scary, rain clouds. I'd gotten sick somewhere late into the night, and after a brief date with his toilet had continued making an idiot of myself with a silly and embarrassing request.

Five minutes.

With a quiver in my voice and snot coating my upper lip I'd asked Holden to lay with me for a ridiculously specific time period. Five. Minutes.

Five minutes had of course turned to another twenty minutes worth of ranting and breaking down and eventually, and thankfully, sleep.

I was humiliated as I ran the night through my head, again, and again, and again, searching for a flicker of intimacy between Holden and myself to mix with the taste of beer and vomit in my mouth. Nothing.

I needed to go home. Not back to the hotel, or the tour bus, but home. For real this time.

Holden made some sort of grumbling noise as I slipped out of bed.

Last night I was drunk, and hurt, very drunk, and very hurt, but I had known what I was doing with Holden. I had used him, well, I had tried to use him that is. Thank God one of us had some sense last night. Plain and simple, I had tried to use Holden as a crutch to get through the night, as something to help me be the person who could let last night, and every night, just roll off of her. I wanted to be strong, and confident, and the girl who didn't find boys loving her and sex with nice guys ruin her week.

But I woke and I was still the same girl. I was still the girl who snorted when she laughed, who could ride rollercoasters but was scared of the Ferris Wheel, I was still the girl who whispered curse words rather than yell them, and I was still the girl who had followed Kaleb Walter like a puppy oblivious to her own assault, the girl who had tried to fix bad boy Nolan Doufer and had gotten herself broken in the process, and apparently, I was now the girl who called friends for help and then tried taking advantage of their male hormones and alcoholic to try to fix herself.

It was safe to say I had been sufficiently broken before, and now? Now I was just sufficiently stupid.

The door suddenly came open and on impulse I dove into the kitchen and ducked behind the island counter.

"Yo!" Gunner yelled into the hotel room.

"Dude!" Derek called out.

"You're late." Finn said.

I poked up past the island to watch the three retreat into the bedroom suite. I swallowed hard and moved slowly around the island.

"Gross dude." I heard Derek say loudly.

"What the..." Holden's voice came out soft, sleepy, confused. It made me wince and I took a large leap from the kitchen and back into the main room, closing in on the door. "Carter?"