Heavy Wears The Crown

Fifty

Do make sure you read the author's note before this chapter! It tells you how to reach chapter 49!

"It's not so easy loving me, it gets so complicated all the things you gotta be."

---------- Save Me From Myself - Christina Aguilera ----------

 The moments after sex are something entirely different. Total opposite of the moments before or during. Nolan rolled off of me and onto his back beside me, both of us panting heavily and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Somehow, I managed neither despite the rush of emotions that flooded me all at once.

I was embarrassed for the noises I'd made, the complete lack of control I'd possessed, for the insane things I said. I was overwhelmed with life, and myself. Though I have had sex before I felt like I'd conquered something huge today, like I may have won but at the same time I was feeling almost lost. I was all over the place, and the first thing that left my mouth was...

"I thought you never had sex without a condom."

Still panting he turned his head to look at me. "I don't."

That made little sense...being we definitely just did. Was it simply a slip of the tongue, misworded, whereas he should have said I didn't. Or maybe he really meant I don't as in it wouldn't happen again?

Nolan got up first and I pulled the blankets up over my nose with a rush of anxiety. Was this a mistake? I had assured myself, assured myself I wouldn't regret being with Nolan, even if it was just for one night, even if I got my heart broken, he was my one extraordinary memory I would cherish. But seeing him slither out of bed now and pull his boxers on I felt myself tense.

I thought I'd have at least until morning. Had I said something wrong? Tasted foul? Been too boring? He'd been with so many women, I hadn't been able to keep up. I wasn't making the cut, I was unspeakably plain.

But moments later he came back into the room, ice clanking together and against the glass cup in his hand, he handed it to me. I lowered the blanket and sat up to accept it. It was clear, I gave it a sniff first hoping it wasn't vodka.

"It's water baby." He assured me and I drank it greedily before offering it to him and he did the same. "No matter how dirty and crass a rockstar you are, you always give the lady first drink after a good romp."

I held my hand out for the drink, took another long gulp and then reached past him to set it on the end table beside the bed. "A good romp." I repeated and his pleased face turned to concern.

"What's wrong?" He asked and reached around the floor for a few moments before finding and tossing me a towel.

"Nothing."

"You're going to run away from me again, aren't you?"

I opened my mouth to deny it, and then closed it. I totally was. "Not intentionally." I admitted and he flopped onto the bed. I shifted to give him more of the bed, putting more space between us I awkwardly tucked the towel between my legs and sat up.

He took my hand. "Don't ever be afraid when you're with me Carter." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed each knuckle individually and it hit me abruptly...

I wasn't blurting it out in a moment of bliss, I wasn't throwing it out as an attack in a fit of rage, it wasn't brought on by a passionate or perfect moment, it just hit me.

I was in love with Nolan James Doufer, and I had been for some time now. The realization left me breathless, such a calm moment, peaceful as he was still muttering on reassuringly about not being an asshole and not going to hurt me and I couldn't even process his words because I was too freaking shocked.