Heavy Wears The Crown

Thirty Nine

"There's a memory of how we used to be that I can see through the flames. I am hypnotized as I fantasize, forgetting lies and pain. But I can't go back."

------------ Point Of No Return (acoustic version) - Starset ------------

"So what are you up to?" Rita asked lamely.

I sighed into the phone. "The same thing I was up to when you called earlier today, and Jess, and Harper, twice. Every day. You guys don't have to check up on me. I'm fine."

"What? Checking up? You mean I can't call my best friend just to talk?"

"You can, but you aren't. None of you are. You're hovering around me, checking up on me all day like I'm on suicide watch or something."

"No, that's not what this is."

"Oh?" I asked as I slowly paced back and forth around the house with no particular destination. "Then what is this?"

"Me calling you with a very particular reason."

"And that reason is?" The line was dead for at least a minute, I stopped pacing. "Rita?"

"Called to ask you if, uh, I can borrow that pair of shoes. The red ones."

"You called to ask about borrowing my shoes?" I said doubtfully and began pacing again. "And Harper wants to borrow my purple blouse, and again for a hair clip. Rita we don't even wear the same size!"

"I'll just double up on socks."

"It's been three weeks Rita, you guys don't have to check up on me."

"You're exactly right. It's been three weeks."

Finally settling on a destination I pulled a beer out of the fridge and leaned against the counter as Rita continued. "It's been three weeks and you haven't talked about it, you haven't cried about it, you haven't even been angry about it."

I perched the phone between my shoulder and ear as I used the bottle opener to get the beer open. The tab popped off and vanished into the air leaving me to search for it for several seconds before I could dispose of it.

"Carter. It's okay to not be okay."

"I know. It would be okay if I wasn't, but I am."

She sighed over the line. "You can't keep all of this in, it'll kill you."

"There's nothing to keep in. I knew from the very beginning that Nolan was a temporary gig, and let's be honest, it worked out way longer than anyone ever thought it would. Let's not pretend to be surprised that it's over now."

"We just worry about you Carter. You're going out, and you're laughing and having a good time and you're just not dealing."

"There's nothing to deal with. I quit my job, I'm looking for another. There's nothing else to it."

"It's just, sometimes when things get rough on you you just shut down. You turn into some Robo Zombie." I wished she would pick an analogy, robots and zombies are two totally different creatures. "Remember after the incident? You threw yourself into school work without a flicker of hesitation. I mean like, you could have taught all your classes better than the teachers!" Ah, the incident, didn't it all go back to the incident? "And then when Mom got sick I don't think your brother could control his emotions in the same room as her but you? You were a rock, big, emotionless rock. Making soup, and getting papers notarized..." I hadn't cried at Mom's funeral, instead, I had gotten a tattoo directly after. The apple. "Then of course there was college...you know...when you lost your v-card." Ah yes, the v-card, when I had dated the same guy for over 8 months and couldn't bring myself to take the sexual plunge, he finally grew too impatient and left me, I repaid the favor by taking that plunge a few hours later that night with someone else. "Remember that? You just come into my dorm, plopped down on the couch and casually mentioned it as you did homework. Oh by the way I'm a woman now. Come on Carter."