Alexithymia

Raw

Sometimes you have to shed off the layers of everything society wants you to be. You have to take down the walls and be the real you. Even in the dark when it is dead quiet and you can hear the blood coursing through your veins. That no matter how bad life is, life is still pumping through you. And you are still here. You have to be so raw and real that maybe you don't even recognize yourself. You have to ask yourself what you really want from life. And you have to face your deepest, and possibly darkest desires and wants.
I'm about to be real and raw that when I look back on this I will cringe with the thought of anyone seeing my soul. Because that's what it is, being stripped down of all the layers we have learned to put on ourselves. The real true us, that's our soul. Why we don't let people see that is another chapter. I want to talk about boys. The fact that there is a deep, throbbing, yearning in the pit of my stomach for someone to love me, leaves me with a feeling I can't describe. I want a boy, a guy, a man, to look at me with love in his eyes, and feel love bursting in his heart. I want his skin to catch on fire when I brush against him, and butterflies to flutter when I text him. I want someone to feel giddy and happy when they think about me. I want strong tattooed arms to wrap around my torso or be slung around my shoulder. I want brown eyes to stare into mine and I want soft lips to tell me "I love you. " But I want him to mean it will all his heart. I want him to feel like the breath is being sucked out of him with the thought of me not being his girlfriend anymore. Not even that, me not being in his life. I want him to sneak small looks at me in class or any social setting and just smile to himself.
But then again. To my knowledge that hasn't happened before and it literally makes me want to scream. Not even cry, not even slam the door or punch a wall. It makes my heart feel restless because why doesn't or hasn't anyone, any guy loved me the way I have loved? It makes me want to shout out into the sky the greatest question I face, "why haven't I been loved yet?" I don't want the crap about how the time will come. Because I glance at the clock and I don't know what time I'm supposed to be looking for. I don't want the whole, Prince Charming will come find you. This whole phrase is the downfall of our generation! I don't want a Prince Charming because in its very essence, perfection isn't possible nor appealing. I want sloppiness. I want late Saturday mornings, with crease marks against my cheeks and hair sticking up in places it shouldn't and when I roll over he is there smiling a sideways, lopsided smile. I want to get caught up in the rain while holding hands with him, the ink in my book to run a bit, the newspaper he is carrying to wrinkle when we finally get somewhere dry. Perfection isn't fun, or beautiful. I want a beautiful life and I want him in it. And I hope and yearn for the day when I have that someone I can share tiny moments with. I want to lean against his shoulder and close my eyes and just store the moment away in my memory. I want long long, tight hugs. I want to hold his hand and swing it carelessly. I want to watch stupid movies with him and toss popcorn at each other. I want to form a relationship and I want to be in love. But right now in the quietness of the night I don't have someone to roll over to in bed. I don't have someone I can lay my head on their chest. I don't have someone I can text a joke or something that made me laugh. I don't have what I want and there is nothing I can do to get it. It's up to the stars to cross for me.