Alexithymia

A Letter

11.14
Dear Z,
I don't regret what we had
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't change it
You taught me that maybe I'm not as outgoing as I thought I was. You reminded me that there are guys who are capable of great conversation.
We stargazed for three hours on our first "date"
We talked about anything and everything
From is there a God? To biggest fears and favorite colors. We talked about the future and big cities and even bigger dreams. We held hands and they fit perfectly together. You offered to drive because you know how much I hate driving. We share the same love for music and the arts. You told me you loved my passion and my smirk. We went to football games and theatre practices. You made me laugh. You made me feel special. You brought me my favorite coffee when I had a long practice. You remembered my birthday after I only told you once. You encouraged me to rethink things and analyze the world. I read your movie script and almost cried at how talented you are. But the most important thing you taught me is that even when the chemistry between two people is incredibly strong, things still don't work out. See you had just broken up with your girlfriend of two years and in the back of my head I worried if I was the thing you chose as a distraction. I worried that I was supposed to be some sort of rebound even though your ex went to Vanderbilt. And you compared me to her because we shared the same beliefs of God. Just because you and her didn't work out doesn't mean you and I can't. But what I learned is you are as stubborn as I, so when you made up your mind, that you and I can't work out, I had to let you be. My heart wasn't ripped out, I was not shattered, I didn't shed a tear. Because darling, I am used to being walked over, misused, and abused. I knew it was almost too good to be true. When you would sling your arm around me, were you still thinking of her?

See, now when we see each other, we are still the best of friends yet there is a hanging sadness that has yet to go away. Everyone around us, sees the chemistry, they see how well we work. But you didn't want to date me, I wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend. But I told you, if my beliefs are the reason you don't see us working out, maybe we should only be friends.

Thank you for reminding me there are still quality boys out there. Thank you for reminding me how important conversation is. Thank you for instilling a newfound confidence in me. Thank you for reminding me, this is just high school and life is just about to begin.

But I don't appreciate you leading me on, when you were still hung up on her. I would've understood. You could have just told me. But life is life and things like this will happen.

I wish the best for you. I hope your dreams come true and that you get accepted to Harvard. I wish you will realize that two people can still be compatible even when they believe different things.

-ms

12.7
Dear Z,
When she told me
That you told a friend
That you lead me on the entire time
Because you thought it would be mean to tell me
I changed my mind
I do regret it
The pain still happens even after nearly a month of mutual ending
You weren't the person I thought you were
The smiles were fake
The laughs were fake
You lead me on and you loved every second of it
Bitter doesn't begin to describe
Fists clenched
Eyes scrunched
Tight smiles
Because you ran back to her
And left me in the dust
Watching you
Without the truth you are nothing
And you never told me the truth
You let me believe in a false reality
And you didn't see anything wrong with that
You used me
Like a sweater, you tried me on and decided I wasn't for you
I still wish you the best
But the best isn't her

-ms

12.11
Dear Z,
You had someone to run back to
I had no one

-ms

12.23
Dear Z,
I'm finally okay. I listened to a love song today and didn't think about you or us. I just listened. I heard it for what it was. I look forward to the day when I meet someone new who learns my favorite things and quirks all over again. But this time, doesn't leave.  My heart once again has sewn itself back together and I have moved on. The light in my eyes has returned. Someone asked me if I liked how things turned out between us. I said yes and no. Yes because I found out that even though you can be sweet, you can also be deceiving and heartless. No because I truly enjoyed our time together. But I realize now it was only meant to be a short chapter in my life. You came and showed me what I was missing, but you weren't that thing. You showed me how I should be treated. You helped me not settle for less than I deserve. You helped me gain my confidence back. You made me smile. So thank you for the chapter. You didn't have to cut it as short but I'm glad you did. Even after lying and using me, you still gave me good things. I wish you well.

-ms