Begin Again

Chapter 35: Not Meant To Be

So ito. So this is the reason why he wanted to give up his passion. Kaya ayaw niya na, kaya palagi siyang wala. So this is the reason why matagal mawala ang mga sugat niya. The reason why hindi siya tumataba. Kasi kulang siya sa dugo.

"Patrick is sick, Nap. Cancer of the blood. Leukemia."

He is sick and I knew nothing about it. Bakit ayaw niyang malaman ko?

"Alam mo 'to Paul? How come?" Tanong ko habang nakatulala pa rin. But he's not dying right? Nasaan siya? Tap? Nasaan ka?

"Naalala mo 'yung nasa ospital tayo? You left us from there. He kept on bragging and blabbing things. Minsan nga di ko na maintindihan. But what I know is that, kung pwede lang. Kung pwede lang sanang huwag na akong bumalik sa buhay mo kasi siya, matagal na daw na naghihintay." Paul explained.

"He cursed me, of course. And then nung paalis na ako, he grabbed my arm and punched me. Hindi ko naman napigilan ang sarili ko kaya gumanti ako. And as you can see, 'yun yung pasa niya sa mga labi niya. After which, napatigil kami pareho tapos nagsalita siya. Lumalala na daw 'yung leukemia niya. He's, he's dying." Tuluyan nang tumulo ang namu-ong luha sa mata ko. No, hindi pwede. He just can't. Tap is still young!

"Then he made me promised to take care of you. He entrusted you to me, Nap. And if ever I'll break your heart again, mumultuhin niya ako." He smiled, a sad one. There was downcast  in Paul's voice too. "And he also told me not to tell all these things to you. But, but I failed him. Because, yah. You deserve to know."

Hah! Kapakanan ko pa rin ang inisip ng lalaking yun. Nakakainis naman.

We rushed to the hospital. I need to see him. I need to check on him. Nagpaalam naman si Paul matapos akong ihatid dahil may duty pa siya. So he went off. Susunduin niya nalang daw ako mamaya.

At yun nga, I saw him. Nagsimula na pala siyang magpa-chemotherapy. Siguro nung nagkita kaming tatlo, tungkol din sa sakit niya ang punta niya dito.

Putlang putla na siya. Tears fell from my eyes.

Oh ghad, no. Wala namang kasalanan si Tap. He is a good buddy and he did nothing but goodness. Why?

Kagaya rin ni Dad. My dad was amazing. He was the best dad in the whole world pero kinuha pa rin siya. And I don't blame God for it. Maybe it's just a reminder that death is inevitable. Pero bakit ganun, kung sino pa yung mababait 'yung pa ang nauuna? All I have are mere questions. But I do not doubt God's plans.

"Why don't you go inside?" Tita Raquel, his mom, told me.

Pumasok kami sa loob ng room ni Tap. Sobra payat niya na. May mga pasa din all over his arms. His lips were so pale.

"He knew he has this sickness yet he kept it for years from us." Tita told me. "Kung hindi pa siya natumba one time, hindi pa namin malalaman." Nagsimula nang tumulo ang luha ni Tita. "Ayy. Sorry iha." Dagdag niya habang pinunasan ang mga luha niya.

"No Tita, it's okay." Then I hugged her. Tuluyan nang bumuhos ang luha niya.

"Ang bata-bata pa ng anak ko, Nichole!" She screamed. Ramdam ko ang kasakit ni Tita.

I remembered my dad again. Ganito rin si Mom when he was dying. Full of pain. And the only way to ease that pain is to cry. Cry out loud.

Sabi sa psych class namin, the best way to comfort a person is to let them cry. Cry and cry until it hurts no more. Kasi kahit ano pa ang sabihin mo, no wise words would stop the bleeding. Kaya hayaan mo nalang yung tao na umiyak.

Mga ilang sandali din kaming nanatiling nagkayakapan ni Tita until her tears dried. All I can offer right now is my shoulder to lean on.

"Iha, I'll just go out and check for some information for my son, okay? Pwede mo ba siyang bantayan? Sandali lang." I nodded at umalis na siya.

I was left doing nothing so I sat near Tap's bed. I studied his face again.

I held his hand at nagulat ako nung naging mahigpit ito. He woke up.

"Tap.."

"Bakit ka nandito ha?" He coughed. "Traidor talaga yang boyfriend-"

"Shh. Tap, bakit napakaselfish mo ha? Bakit ginugusto mo palaging itago lahat ng mga nararamdaman mo? Bakit, bakit ang hilig mong magsakripisyo? May award ka ba jan? Ha?" Halata sa boses ko na malapit na akong umiyak.

"Kamusta yung date niyo sa roof-"

"Tap! Ano ba!?"

Nakakainis. Parang hindi niya lang ako naririnig.

"Chill Nap." Sabi niya at nakuha pa niyang ngumiti sa ganung sitwasyon. Seriously?

"Ghad! I can't-"

"Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko ha? Sabihin sa inyong lahat ang kalagayan ko? For what? Nap, mamatay rin naman ako! And I don't want everyone to have memories of me dying! Kung selfish yun para sa iyo Nap, for me it wasn't. It was my only way to lessen your pain and, my pain. Hindi lang kayo ang nasasaktan Nap. Ako rin." He let go of my hand at umiwas ng tingin sa akin.

"Siguro pinanganak talaga akong torpe," he paused then beamed. "Kaya ito, mamamatay din na torpe."

"Tap!" Aish. Nagawa pa talagang magbiro.

"Nap. Nichole Andrea Perez. Sorry for not telling you such things. I do not want to be a burden." Magsasalita sana ako kaso kinuha niya ang kamay ko kaya napigil yung sasabihin ko.

"Realizing makes you understand some stuff. Though at the same time, it breaks your heart. Narealize ko lang na, na sobrang gwapo ko pala talaga!" Tumawa siya. Heh! Grabe talaga tong lalaking to. Ganito na ang sitwasyon pero tignan mo naman.

Hope other cancer patients could still laugh as hard as Tap does.

"Aish."

"But seriously. Narealize ko na, if two people are meant to be they will always find their way back. Hahabol pa sana ako ng last trip sa'yo Nap kaso lumalala din 'tong sakit ko. So I concluded, maybe we are not really for each other. Maybe we always have each other on our side but we do not belong. Because at the end of all, nagkita pa rin kayo ni Paul. And that's how, that's how I surrendered to fate." Masakit sa lungs kung makadrama naman 'tong si Tap. Nandun lang ako, nakikinig. Nakatingin sa mga mata niyang pagod na at gustong magpahinga.

"At least, ones in my life I had you as my close friend. And in that way, you stayed." He looked away again, smiling. "Siguro nagka-amnesia ka rin kasi ayaw talagang pumayag ni tadhana na magtapat ako sa'yo. The picture is really clear now Nap. It says, everything happens for a reason. And again that reason was we are not meant to be." I got his point.

Tap is surely one of a kind. He's that kind who cares and loves you, silently. He indeed deserves someone who could love him the way he treats other people. I did wonder what it feels like to belong to Patrick Jay. 'Yun pala, hindi ko masusukli-an ang sobrang pagmamahal na 'yun.

"Siguraduhin lang talaga ng Paul na yun na wag basagin ang puso mo, babasagin ko mukha niya. Mumultuhin ko talaga siya gabe-gabe." He laughed again. Ngumiti lang ako.

There was long silence. I, myself do not know what to say or how to respond to everything he said. But deep inside me, nagdadasal ako na sana dagdagan pa ni Lord ang years niya. Na sana maging malakas pa siya. Na sana, lumaban pa siya.

Hindi ko namalayan na naluha na pala ako at tinitignan ako ni Tap. Nahuli ko naman siya pero mabilis siyang umiwas.

"Inaantok na ako, Nap. Ikaw din, pahinga ka muna." Sabi niya then he instantly closed his eyes.

"Stay strong Tap. I'll be praying for you." I said while holding his hand. After doing so, I decided to go out.

Pero bago pa ako makalabas, he said, "Maybe we're not meant to be. But I know, I got this feeling that we are soulmates."