One Day

Part 36 - The Talk

I'm going to be early which will hopefully give me time to calm my nerves. I didn't expect to be this nervous but his tone on the phone sounded serious. I pull into the parking lot and quickly scan over the lot not seeing his truck. I pull into a spot facing the lake and watch as two kids fight over a fishing pole on the pier. I don't watch long before I hear the all too familiar roar of his truck. I look to my right and watch his red Ford pull into the parking space beside me before he shuts it off. I take a deep breath and open my door.

I glance in his passenger side window and am surprised as he motions for me to get in. I shut my door and open his in one motion. I hop in and the ease of getting in his truck and making myself comfortable is almost unnerving. This is not the time to be taking myself back but the smell of his cologne is making memories crash around me.

"Hey, Lay." He looks at me with a face that is cheerful but guarded. The fact that we haven't spoken in several months and haven't had a conversation without arguing since our breakup a year and a half ago is not lost on me.

"Hey," I say equally guarded. He takes a deep breath and looks back towards the lake in front of us.

"I know you probably have a million questions but just let me speak before you start, okay?" He looks at me again and I nod. He looks back to the front and begins.

"First, you have to know that I'm not drinking anymore." I want to respond with some sarcastic comment but I bite my tongue and let him continue. "This last year has been hell. More than hell. I thought we had it all figured out – you know? College, career, life, us. And I screwed up, majorly. I have prayed, cried, screamed, fought, and was completely reckless.  I've been angry at you, angry at myself, angry at everyone that didn't believe we should be together. I pushed people away and have hidden my heart so deep that I'm afraid no one is ever going to find it again."

I'm shocked at his words and want to respond but he continues.

"What I did to you, what I did to us, is unforgiveable. I know that, I really do. I hurt you more than any person should ever hurt someone and I'm so sorry. I know I've said it before but, really, Lay, I'm so, so sorry." He looks at me with sincerity and turns his body towards mine while leaning against the back of the seat. "I've played this moment out in my mind so many times over the past few months but I wasn't sure what to say or what you would say or if you would even agree to meet me."

I'm still unsure of what he wants from me or if maybe he just wants me to hear him out. I raise my eyebrows as he continues.

"I know things are over between us and you seem really happy with Jace." He pauses and I nod letting him know that yes, I am happy with Jace. "I've done really well these past few months. I've moved back home, I'm starting college again in the fall and I'm done with getting drunk all the time. But this whole time there has been this one thing still tugging at me and it won't let me completely move on from us."

I cock my head to the side. "Okay..."

"I need your forgiveness, Lay. I can't stop thinking about it and I can't move on without it. I need to know we are okay. I don't expect a normal friendship. Hell, I don't even expect you to talk to me. But I need to know we are okay. Can you forgive me?" he asks.

Forgiveness. That's what he needs from me. I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from a book that I had just finished reading – The Shack.

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgement, but without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness."

I don't immediately respond as I mentally consider what he is asking of me. He broke me, completely broke me. I spent so many nights after our breakup curled up in my bed sobbing over the way he tore my heart into tiny pieces. So many times I yelled at him that what he did was unforgiveable. There were days that my mind wouldn't allow myself to escape from thinking about him being with someone else while still carrying on what I believed was our perfect little relationship. Days where I was consumed with thinking that I would never be good enough for anyone. Days where I screamed at myself for being such a fool. Days where I questioned my looks, my weight, my personality, my intelligence, and my life.

And then finally, months after our breakup, I would have moments where I wouldn't think about him constantly. Days where I lay down at night and realize my pain didn't get the best of me. Days where I would celebrate my little successes in not breaking down.

Up until this point I didn't realize that maybe I needed to give him the forgiveness he was asking for so that I could completely move on, as well.

"I know this is a lot to ask..." his sentence drifts off as he looks at me.

I clear my throat not really sure yet what my response is going to be. "I'm not sure that I can give you an answer right this moment, Jacob."

He looks away and then nods his head, "Okay."

"Let me explain," I say before I stop myself. "I've not really thought about forgiving you until this moment when you asked me for it. I've been holding on to all this hate and anger, I guess maybe as my way to justify leaving you, I don't know. I'm not going to be able to give you the answer you want to hear right now because it wouldn't be sincere. I would only be saying it because I know that's what you want from me."

I pause and we just stare at each other. "You more than anyone else on this planet know that I struggle with holding grudges." The corner of his lips turn slightly in a small smile and I know he is thinking of someone that I'm still holding a grudge against over something that happened years ago. "So, for me to forgive you is going to take some time.  I'll probably fail miserably several times, but I'll agree to work towards it."

The smile I fell in love with so many years ago spreads across his face. "That's more than I expected so yeah, I'm good with that."

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