One Day

Part 46 - Broken

I wake a few hours later and immediately grab my phone to see yet another blank screen. I hear the television still on in the living room and assume that Benson is still holding up his word that he isn't going to leave. I decide to take a shower and try to wash away the past 12 hours. How has it only been 12 hours?

After a very long and very hot shower that didn't help reduce the amount of stress I feel in my shoulders, I put on a pair of comfortable pants and a tank top and make my way into the living room.

"Hey," Benson says as I walk over to the couch. He sits up and pats the cushion next to him. "You doing okay?"

I plop down, curling my legs underneath me as I lean into Benson. He readjusts the blanket he is using so that it now covers the both of us and he settles in with his arm around me.

"Not really." I yawn and glance at the tv to see a baseball game on. The Cardinals are playing but I can't seem to focus. Baseball is not my favorite sport to watch on television. "Jace still hasn't called or texted. Do you think he's even realized that I'm gone?"

"He may just think you went somewhere this morning and are planning on coming back. He probably hasn't even been home to realize that your stuff is gone."

I sigh knowing that he's right. I would imagine he has spent his day at the lake and assumes I'll be asleep at his house tonight like I have been every other night.

"I'm hungry. Want to go grab some dinner?"

I look up at him. "Really? You expect me to go out in public?"

He laughs and reaches for his phone. "How about a pizza then?"

"Honestly, I don't feel like eating. I have no appetite at all."

He sighs but doesn't force the issue. "Well, you have no food here. I already checked."

"We haven't been living here, what did you expect?" I ask teasing him. "You can order you a pizza or go get something. Just because I'm not eating doesn't mean you don't have to."

"I'd really like to run home and grab some different clothes. If I'm going to be lounging around your house, I'd love to be in something a bit more comfortable. Just ride with me. I'll run home and then grab something to eat on our way back. You don't even have to get out of the truck."

I groan. "You go. I really don't want to go anywhere. I'll be fine for the 30 minutes it takes you."

I can sense him weighing his options as he hesitates in answering. He doesn't trust my emotions enough to leave me alone but hunger may win out in this one.

"Okay, but call me if something happens," he says as he moves to stand up. I slide down so that I'm flat on the couch curled up underneath the blanket. He leans over and kisses my head. "I'm serious."

"I know you are." He turns to leave and I'm surprised when I hear footsteps coming back. He dangles the remote in front of my face and I smile as I reach out to grab it.

"Thanks, love," I say as he turns to leave again.

"I'll be back soon!"

I hear the back door close and the weight of being alone comes crashing down before Benson's truck makes it out of my driveway. The tears start flowing as I try to imagine a life without Jace. My everything had been Jace for so long that I'm not sure who I am without him. I try to think of where I go from here and a pit in my stomach starts to grow. My mind is racing through all the different scenarios.

What if he has already found someone else? What if this is what he was waiting on – for me to make the decision to leave so that he could say I left him and not the other way around. Will he be as devastated as I am? Can he imagine a life without me? Who will do his laundry? Who will remind him not to order tomatoes on his food? Who will set an extra alarm in the mornings to make sure he gets to work on time? Who will take care of his dog while he is at the lake? Or maybe he already has someone lined up to take my place. Maybe she has just been waiting in the wings for something to happen so she can swoop in and be a shoulder to cry on.

My brain won't slow down as I run through the girls that are always hanging around Enderly's. I sit up and take deep breaths trying to calm myself down. I'm anxious and shaking from head to toe as I stand up. I can't just sit here. I shake my arms trying to calm myself down as I pace back and forth between the living room and kitchen. My breathing won't slow and the ache in my stomach intensifies.

I barely make it to the bathroom before the small amount I ate for lunch makes its way back up. I'm crying so hard that I'm seeing double as I open the towel closet and pull out a wash cloth. I run it under cool water and hold it to my face as I melt into the floor.

Get it together, woman, I think to myself. I curl myself up in a ball on the bathroom floor and focus on my breathing and refuse to let my mind wander to anything but taking slow breaths. I rock back and forth while I force myself to step back from the cliff I was running towards. My breathing finally evens and the tears slow as I think of the positive things in my life. I have great friends. I have a supportive family that loves me unconditionally. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that I love. I am going to be okay. Everything will be okay. Maybe he will get home and realize I'm not there and that my stuff is gone and come after me. Maybe he will fight for me. Maybe he will realize what he let go and come begging for me to come back to him. Or maybe he won't.

I sit up and try my best to wipe away the tears that continue to fall no matter how hard I try to stop them. I lean my head back and blink rapidly to force them away. I've got this.

I've got this.

I take a deep breath and pick myself up off the floor.

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