She's Not Afraid

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

***Chapter 36***

            Ashton gapes at me.

            “Ashton, I…” I start but he runs away in the direction of his dressing room, ignoring me. Of course, I follow.

            “Ash…” I say once I caught up with him. I grab his arm and restrain him from running away and longer.

            “How many other guys have you led on?” He asks bitterly, yanking his arm from my grasp. Whoa. I can see the distaste in his eyes.

            “I didn’t mean to—“

            “Just leave me alone.” He cuts me off angrily, through clenched teeth. “Mad at him one minute, snogging him the next. You’re unbelievable.” He spat, turning away from me and walking away.

            This time I don’t follow.

            He’s right, I think to myself. ‘How many other guys have you led on?’ His words linger in my head, leaving me to consider what he had meant.

            I honestly didn’t mean to lead him on like that. I wanted to get to know him, maybe a little more than a friend if I wasn’t dating Harry.

            How many other guys have I lead on? Niall, Zayn? I don’t think they would actually ever feel like that towards me, but I wouldn’t know for sure.

            I was starting to become one of the girls I despised.

            The kind of girl that flirts with everybody and can’t keep to one guy.

            I’m starting to hate myself again.

            No, I think. I can’t start that again. I feel like I’m messing up everyone’s lives.

            That’s exactly how I felt when Adam died. I had killed him. He looked away from the road to look at me. It was my fault for distracting him. I’m the reason my best friend is dead. I couldn’t get this off my mind the first year after he died. I had to get it off my chest somehow.

            I was 16 when he died and I took it very hard. Three years later, presently, I try really hard to not think about it.

            October 17th. That was the first time I cut. I’m definitely not proud it at all. The cuts didn’t go very deep, so I wasn’t hurt severely in any physical way. Since I’m so close with my mum, I told her immediately about it and she talked some sense into me.        

            It’s been long since the scars have faded and I never imply on self harming again. If it wasn’t for my mum, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. I promised her I would never cut again and I never intend on breaking that promise.

            I needed to stop messing with everybody.

            I take a minute to cool down before running down the hallway.

            Not in the direction of Ashton, even though my mind told me to. I ran towards the Meet and Greet.

***

            When I finally reach the room, I see a bulky security guard standing watch. Oh great, I thought. Just what I needed.

            As he turns around, I realize it’s my uncle. I sigh in relief.

            “Drew? You’re mum just called wondering how you were.” He said.