Thoughts of a Million Stars

Nothing

I was swimming in the midst of troubles, pains, agonies and sorrows of life. I found no one to hear my thoughts. Instead, everybody is there to judge me, subconsciously; pointing arrows on how I should do things and compares what I am doing lately.  

I am so damn mad of myself for being this shit ‘coz I know I have done wrong. I have my fair share of being an asshole and that I have become a burden to somebody which is I have never really wished to become.  I know I was a crap and I hated it. I hate myself for being such useless son of a bitch, but hell, I was nothing but just a human being who makes mistakes from time to time. I never wanted to be a burden nor be a worthless crap. Neither I, would want to be carried by anybody on their back. As I’ve said, I am just nothing but a HUMAN BEING.

I was ashamed of myself that I even wanted to be buried deep down and under. I wish to get back and make up for my mistakes but I was not given a chance. That seemed like a slap to me. To be rejected, over and over, simply sucks to my inner core. People are clouded with their own thoughts and beliefs in life and I respect that with every tissue in my being as a pledge for my sincerity. I chose to stick with silence for how I felt and is still feeling from deep within. But damn, emotions are keep pounding and bombarding my chest only to make me feel nothing but pained. It hurts. It hurts that it almost broke me a trillion times to pieces. No one is there, NOTHING but me.

I was subconsciously judge. Yes, I am. I was left behind, perhaps abandoned. Funny thing is, it is done by the people whom I thought I could lean on, always. For now, it doesn’t really matter. But you know what hurts me the most? It is the fact that, for years, I thought you know me enough not to please but at least, just respect me and think of what I could have felt for dong such things. I felt betrayed for some reasons. I felt as if was wronged. Moreover, I felt like NOTHING but a crap. Ain’t I?

No words could explain neither gestures to express how bad I have felt for what happened. It’s as if I have lost all my strength to do a thing. Suddenly I just wanna laid back and walk away from everything. Yes, I wanna do just that. I wanted get some fresh air and tried to breathe, either way, I just don’t wanna breathe anymore. I wanted to feel NOTHING but myself. Heck, was that even possible? To live in a world where there’s NOTHING but you, only you.

Shit, I am so tired, really. I wanna get away from all these pain. I don’t want anybody near me and yet, at the back of my mind, I know that I needed you. Perhaps, I need all of you to be just by my side, be my shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and a person who could just sit beside through all the tears that I’ve shed and is still shedding. But there is no one, NOTHING. All I could do is smile to brush of the pain but that is just simply ain’t enough.

So then, I have learned to let go. Now I finally realized that there are things you can’t really have for a lifetime no matter how much you cling on to it. Sometimes you have to simply let everything to pass by. You don’t really have to speak ‘coz most of the times you are constantly judge every moment you open your mouth. It sucks, doesn’t it? Anyway, it’s alright. Everything will be fine, in due time. Maybe not now, but hopefully, some day it will. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll just wake up and be wondered that there is NOTHING. Think nothing, feel nothing, see nothing, and just NOTHING but a plain of endless white space.

Finally, you’ll feel NOTHING but the happiness of eternity. NOTHING but be young, wild and free.