Thoughts of a Million Stars

Who am I

Who am I

Who am I? This is probably one of the hardest questions in my entire life. Having been able to answer this kind of a question means, I have to stand in front of a full size body mirror in order for me to figure out the rightful words to be told. ‘Coz with the utmost sincerity, I don’t even know if I am capable of telling others who I really am base on the truth.

Literally speaking, it is indeed that easy. I could simply say that I am a daughter of my parents, a sister to my brother, a granddaughter to my grannies, a niece to my aunts and uncles, an aunt to the nephews and nieces of my cousin’s, and of course, a friend to all my colleagues and pals.

Before, I was just a naïve dreamer and an ordinary achiever. But who I am today is way different and maybe I don’t even know her anymore.

In terms of mentally, socially, and spiritually, I must say that I have changed by one whole lot. During yesteryears, I was just a plain, simple girl; a very cheerful, naughty mischievous, goal-oriented, upright bold, but of course, a very much caring and a loving one. I used to give my all and do my best in everything that I do just to make everybody see my worth and that they could at least be proud of me. I have never ask them anything, not even adoration or something, but maybe, just maybe, I want them to wear that smile and be happy for me.

Besides that, I used to be the person who believes in nothing but the goodness of the people around me. Back then, I was just an innocent fool who always took everybody’s hand without even acknowledging their true motives and so oftentimes, I was being abused. I remember myself cursing God; asking him what I did wrong in order for me to deserve all this shit. Those crafty moments have almost ruined my faith in God. Fortunately, he has his way of leading me to keep coming back to Him.

For once, I am born and have lived like a Princess in most fairytales. But through my journey in life, I have learned that those are just nothing but fantasies ‘coz it is way different from reality. There are a lot of real monsters and witches in this world who does wicked ways not to cast a spell or tear you out to pieces but to break you down emotionally. By being hurt then, I have learned to guard myself out, be more conscious of those people who come for me, and be sure to always leave something for myself.

As the song goes, “I feel like I'm a million miles away from myself, more and more these days I've been down so many open roads. But they never lead me home and now I just don't know

who I really am, how it's gonna be, is there something that I can't see. I wanna understand. Maybe I will never be who I was before; maybe I don't even know her anymore. Or maybe who I am today ain't so far from yesterday. Can I find a way to be every part of me?” I don’t exactly know who I am right now but I don’t really mind. This is me now, I have simply grown up and I don’t wanna be either way around. I just wanna be ‘Every part of me’.