what's left?

chapter 25: mianae 미안해

park eun wons pov:

7 months without him i can't even say his name or anything that sounds like his name it hurts... it hurts so much what should i do i don't know what to do anymore Lee Shin he... he's here with me but he will only hurt me again and he invited me out again but he wanted me to dress semi nice so im just going to wear my sundress with sunflowers on it and my wedges he said to be ready by 4 and a taxi will pick me up it was 3:30 right now so i guess i should get ready already i put on my outfit and straightened my hair i did my makeup then checked the time it was 3:55 i got my keys and went outside and waited for the taxi i saw a white car that had a little sign on the top that said "taxi" of course i was hesitant he rolled down the window and said "hi i was told to pick up a park eun won at 4:00 pm" i said "yep that's me" i walked over to the car and opened the door to the backseat i sat in and the man said "just in case you're wondering I'm Lee Shins dad" i said "oh okay well hi im park eun won your son and i are just good friends" he laughed and said "i know kiddo" until we got to their house it was complete silence he said "wait in here lee shin will be out in a minute" i stayed seated then i saw Lee Shin in a button up and slacks and converse he got in the drivers seat he said "get in the front" i got out then moved to the front he said "you look nice" i said "thank you" he started the car i asked "what happened to your other car?" he said i crashed it but im okay" i said "oh my god! did you go to the doctors?! how do you know you are okay?! how did you crash it?! were you drinking?!" he looked at me and laughed he said "yes... because i went to the doctors...this other guy was an asshole and got in the wrong lane... and no and by the way you are really cute when you get mad"i said "yah! Lee Shin shi" he said "what" i asked where were we going he said "to an amusement park"  i smiled cause I've never been to one and he knew that it was about a 45 minute drive we got there and he went around the car and opened my door we got on a couple of rides we were walking then he stopped walking i stopped too i asked "whats wrong" he took my hand and said

"park eun won im sorry but..." my heart stopped he said

"i love you and knowing you love someone else kills me finally I realize, that I'm nothing without you I was so wrong, forgive me when i left i wasn't only breaking your heart i was breaking mine as well You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you" I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless it's useless because i know i will never win back your heart or your love or your trust. what is it about him did he make you cry? Do you even see me, did you already completely forget how much i loved you? I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories I can bear it in some way I can stand it in some way i want you to be happy and it seems like you are that's the only reason im bearing it the only reason im standing it If old memories keep on being thought of I might go look for you secretly Always be happy with him, so I don't think of anything else You have to get along so there is not even a small regret in me Just forget me and live on Those tears will all dry up As day by day passes If we never met each other then it would have hurt less The promise of us staying together is now a memory so what im saying is eun won i love you and im afraid i always will and i need you to be happy and you have said it before that you won't be with me and i understand why but if i can't be with you then i can't be around you im sorry"

i looked at him with tears rushing down my face i said

"Choi Lee Shin don't be sorry and you're right we can't be together don't stay hung up on me and i do love him and nothing will change that but you can't forget i loved you too at one point you did break my heart but thats why i can't love you again and no i didn't forget but what was there to forget if you loved me why'd you leave me? and i have no regrets from loving you either but sometimes i do regret trusting you but never loving you goodbye Lee Shin... forever im sorry"

i slightly smiled then walked away he grabbed my wrist i didn't turn around but he did he kissed me i kept my eyes open i just let him he pulled away i just looked at him my eyes watered he said

"im sorry but i love you goodbye"

i walked away for the last time i called a taxi and left i was crying the whole way home i went inside and cried even more i was crying cause he kissed me i was crying cause i let him i was crying cause I'm losing everyone and there is nothing i can do and once again everything is going to shit DAMMIT NAMJOON COME BACK ALREADY I NEED YOU I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY KIM NAMJOON LISTEN TO ME I'M SORRY SARANGHAEYO KIM NAMJOON i went to my restroom i found a razor..... i broke it i took all 5 blades out i picked up my dress right above my thigh i dragged each blade cutting open my skin exposing my blood to the air i made one cut with one blade each cut a different blade my blood dripped off my leg onto the floor i put my blades down and stood up i took my shoes off i walked over to my bed my blood was dripping on my bed i said "im sorry" then fell asleep