Save me // ziall ✓

| Chapter One |

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I looked in the mirror, my eyes blood shot and my hair messy. My face was pulled down into a frown, as I looked at myself in the mirror. I was going to have to re-dye my hair again, and I knew it was going to burn.

But you like the pain.

I sighed, and tried to shut my brain up, but it never really works. I'm always have mental wars, and I'm sure the boys think there is something wrong with me for sure.

I tore my gaze away from the mirror, and started to dress myself, being careful of my cuts. It hurts when you pull up jeans to quickly, and it burns. Possibly it could start bleeding, but that doesn't really happen.

I when I'm fully dressed, making sure my arms, thighs and hips are covered, I walk back out into the hotel, where Zayn and Liam are on the bed, laughing. I smile softly, moving around the room, grabbing a beanie and sunglasses.

"You ready?" Zayn asks, and sits up.

"Yup." I said, popping the 'p'.

"Let's go." Liam says, standing up, and shuffling us out of the hotel room.

Harry and Louis where already waiting in the hallway, talking softly. When Louis looked at me, sadness filled his eyes, and Harry glanced nervously at me, and bit his bottom lip.

Fuck, they found out.

I played it off, but my stomach felt weird, as we walked into the lobby, and out to the car. Fans lined the streets, and I wasn't in the mood to talk to any. I faked a cough, and was guided to the car quickly.

I got in, and took a seat all the way in the back. I took out my headphones, got a pillow, found a blanket and faked sleep. I waited till the rest of the guys to fill in, until I paused my music to hear what they where going to speak about.

"Niall doesn't seem himself any more." Louis said, sadness lacing his voice.

"He doesn't smile as much, or laughs, or eats or wear short clothing anymore." Harry comments, and I felt someone next to me tense.

"You don't think...." Liam trails off.

"That he self harms? It's always a possibility." Zayn said, his voice deep.

"But he has the fans who love him, and us and his family." Liam says, just sounding out of it.

"But that's the thing with people who self harm; their life's could be perfection, but some people have little voices inside their head that point out their flaws when ever possible. They cut or burn to quiet those voices for a little bit; but they come back." Harry explains.

The boys fall silent, "Who wants to check?" Liam whispers.

I can feel them looking around at each other, no one wanting to do it.

"We shouldn't assume, He'll tell us when he's ready." Zayn spoke.

"But what if he kills himself Z?" Louis shrieks, making Zayn, who was sitting next to me, flinch, then sigh.

"We'll just have to watch him from now on. Don't make it to obvious." Liam comments.

"But I don't want him to feel like a little kid! this could back fire on us very badly." Harry hisses.

The boys fall silent again, and I feel the car stop. I rip open my eyes, and move around a little. When my eyes bounce up to meet everyone else's, worry filled their eyes.

Tell them Niall.

But they will know I was listening, and not sleeping.

By they deserve to know; they are your brothers.

Ugh, shut up.

"Niall...?" Liam says softly, and I take off my head phones.

I look over at him,with my eyebrows raised. He opens his mouth, like he was going to stay something, but them closes it before anything could seep out. Little did they know I heard everything. Zayn puts his hand on my knee, and I have to resist screaming out in pain.

His hand is right over my deepest cut ever, and I'm afraid that if he puts to much pressure on it, that the scab is going to tear off and it will start gushing out blood. Trust me; I donut need that right now.

Breathe Niall, Breathe

I close my eyes, and put my head in between my knees, taking deep breaths, trying to calm my panic and anxiety.

"Oh my gosh." Louis whispers.

I feel Harry's hand on my back, rubbing up and down.

"It's okay Niall, breathe. We are all right here." Harry's calming voice instructed.

I felt my panic subside, but it was still there, in the pit of my stomach. I slowly sat up, my eyes clenched shut. I took deep breathes, like I was trying to suck all the air out of the car. When I was almost fully calm, I slowly opened my eyes, and I felt everyone's eyes on me.

Louis had tears in his eyes, Harry's face had gone pale, Zayn wasn't looking at me, and Liam was covering his hand over his mouth. I saw Harry clench his jaw.

"Cancel the interview, Niall isn't well enough to do it." Zayn instructed to Paul.

"Z, I'm fine-"

"No you are not Niall! You just had a freakin' panic attack. We are taking you back home and we have stuff we need to talk about." Zayn said, fear and anger in his eyes as he looked at me.

I seem to want to become invisible, and just disappear.

But you can't do that, and I realized that Paul had made a U-turn and was speeding off towards the flat. When we where back at our flat, before I could sneak off to my room, Zayn put me over his shoulder and carried me into the living room, not hearing my protests.

He plopped me on the couch, and the boys stood next to him, grim faces. I didn't dare look at any of them, but became quite interesting in my hoody laces. I twirled the laces through my fingers, as Zayn started talking.

"Niall, what is going on with you?" Zayn asks softly.

I keep my mouth shut. They can't know I cut; they can't. They'll ship me off somewhere and I'll get put into a metal ward and, and-

"Aye? Niall? Lad you there?" Liam asks.

I get up quickly, cover my mouth with my hand, as I rushed into the bathroom. I slide on my knees, over to the toilet bowl, and emptied my stomach. Liam was there, rubbing my back, and when I was done, I laid my face on the cold, hard tile floor.

"Let's get you into bed." Liam said, and helped me to my feet.

When I almost fell back down because my knees where weak, Liam picked me up bridal style, and carried me to my room. He laid me on my bed, and pulled the blankets up around me. He got a wet wash cloth, and put it on my forehead, which was burning.

Harry came in with tea, Louis came in with fever pills, and Zayn came in with my favorite movies; Finding Nemo and 21 Jump street. Zayn popped in the first movie, and took a seat next to me on my bed. I took my pills, drank my tea, and snuggled into Zayn.

He put his arm around me, and pulled me in close, and I felt my heart skip a few beats. But I knew Zayn would or could never like me back. I inflict harm on myself, and I'm gay. Not to mention all my other flaws.

He smiled softy down at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. I knew he was thinking over time, and I had no idea what's was bothering him.

Shit it's me.

I direct my attention to the TV in front of me, but really wasn't paying attention. Suddenly I felt very sleepy. I let my eyes close and my dreams captivate me.

I looked across the field I was standing in, taking in every detail possible. The grass was up to my ankles, but every time the wind would blow, it would make the grass look pretty cool. The woods where in front of me, as far as the eye could see. I turned around I could only see more woods.

I started walking, just seeing where I could find, or see. As I walked, I didn't hear a bird nor wild animal. It put me on edge, as I felt adrenaline pour into my blood stream, awakening me. I keep my ears opened, as I moved through the wooded area.

I heard a scream, and I froze. It sounded like, Zayn almost. But it couldn't be Zayn, he wasn't here. I heard the scream again, and took off in that direction. I ran as fast as my legs could take me; jumping over fallen trees, ducking under branches not wanting to get close lined.

When I burst through the brush again, I see Zayn. He was bloody, and tied up. Someone was standing behind him, with a whip in their hand. They pulled back their arm, and snapped it forward, the shape edges tearing open Zayn's perfect tan skin.

I tried to scream, I tried to run, but it felt like I was glued to the ground I stood on. I tried to move, but the picture seem to fade more and more, until it was gone.

When I woke up, I woke up screaming, and sat straight up, breathing heavily, a cold sweat settling all over my body. Harry was the first through my bedroom door, worry etched into his facial features.

"What's wrong Nialler?" Harry asked.

"I had a bad dream, S'all." I replied, and wipped my forehead.

Harry walks over and presses his hand to my forehead, only to pull it away as quickly.

"Your fever has gone back up, let me find the pills and the wash cloth. Don't go back to sleep." Harry order, and quickly strode from the room.

I lean against my headboard, and look up at my ceiling. I ran a finger over my cuts that lined my arms, feeling the bums of the scabs. When I heard the door open, I pull my sleeve back down, and look at Harry.

He had a glass of cold water, a wash cloth and a bottle of pills. He handed me the glass and the bottle of pills. I opened the pills, and pour a handful, put the rest in but keeping two. I put the pills in my mouth, and chug the water. I put the glass on my night stand, and lay down, so Harry can put the cloth over my forehead.

"Now you can go back to sleep. Sweet dreams Nialler." Harry said, before turning and leaving.

I felt my eyes slam shut, falling into a dreamless sleep.




When I woke up the next morning, it was hard to even sit up. Everything was hurting, and my head was pounding. I slowly got out of bed, and walked down stairs, not really feeling up to it. I walked into the kitchen to see Harry and Liam talking in hushed voices.

"Leeeeeyuuumm! I don't feel good." I complained.

"Where don't you feel good?" Liam asks.

"Everywhere."

"Why don't you go lay back down, and just chill out today? You might just have a small bug and sleeping it off may be your best bet." Liam says, and I nod, before turning and going back up the stairs, but stopping at the top of
the stairs.

"Liam...it was a small panic attack, just let it go. Imagine how he feels about it." Harry said.

"But Haz, he can get help for that."

"We don't even know if he really cuts Liam."

"What do you think?"

"What do it think about what?" Harry asks.

"If Niall cuts." Liam pushes.

Harry takes a deep breath, and lets it out, "I didn't believe it yesterday, but when he had the panic attack-"

Was all I heard before I started walking down to my room again. So what if I had a panic attack. So what if I bully myself. So what if I self harm.

So what.

I open the door to my bedroom, shutting it quietly and rushed over to my bed again. I pull the covers up under my chin, and snuggle in.

I heard my door open, but I was to lazy to turn back to see who it was. Who ever it was, came around to the other side of my bed, picked up the covers and slide underneath them. I felt strong arms wrap around my waist, and a face burry into my hair.

Our legs tangled, and I rolled around to see Zayn holding me tightly, with tears in his honey-brown eyes.

"Tell me it's not true; tell me that if I pullback the sleeve to your jumper that it'll be clean. Please." He begged.

I looked away from him, and shook my head slightly. I heard him gasp, and reach for one of my arms. Gently he pulled down my sleeve, and his eyes widen at the sight of my arms.

He started kissing my arm, and I held back tears.

If he wonders why I'm in love with him, this is one of the reasons.