Domineering

Thirty-Seven

The first night off of the sleep tablets is torturous.

It is a restless night, plagued by nightmares. I wake up, heart plummeting, hot and sweaty. It doesn't take long for Harry to rush in in response to my screaming, gun raised and searching for danger with a crazed and worried look.

"Are you hurt? What happened?" He demands as he approaches me with caution.

"Sorry" I say between deep breathes, "Nightmares" is all I have to say for him to understand.

"I'm here it's alright" he tells me and sits in the chair next to my bed, placing the gun on the bedside table.

I take deep breathes, trying to calm myself down. Harry sits beside me in silence, waiting for me to say something. I look over at him in defeat.

"Can you stay with me?" I ask in a small voice and shuffle over to make room for him.

"I'm not going anywhere" he says once he climbs in next to me. I shuffle closer to him, curling up against him. He wraps his arms around me.

"I'm so sorry River" he whispers into my hair.

"It doesn't matter" I whisper back. "I should've just saved everyone the trouble and just died."

"What? No, no you shouldn't have, River you can't-I-I don't know what I'd have done if you had died."

"I've thought about it" my eyes water as I speak. I can't believe I'm actually telling him this. "A few times actually, when I was on that island and when I was taken by Tarna. The worst part is that's not who I am. I've never been suicidal and yet it seemed like the only option for me at the time" I shake my head, unable to continue.

"You don't need to worry anymore, I've got you. Just go to sleep" Harry squeezes me closer.

Neither of us speak for a while. I'm too ashamed to say anything let alone look at Harry.

"What can I do to help?" Harry asks.

"Nothing" I reply honestly. Because right now I don't think anyone can do anything.

~

"I want you to picture the room you were kept in when you were kidnapped" Harley says, his soft tone doing nothing to calm my emotions.

I'm not doing this, I'm not going back to think about that room.

"Are you thinking of the room?" he continues.

"No. I can't...I can't do this" I sit forward in my seat and cradle my head in my hands.

"We talked about this River, this is going to help in the long term."

"No, no" I shake my head, my vision is blurred from my tears.

I can't. I won't.

"Please, please don't make me. I can't do this please. There's got to be another way." My breathing quickens as memories flash through my head, I squeeze my eyes shut trying to block them out. I think Harley is trying to say something to me but I'm too consumed by my panic that I can't process it.

"River it's okay" Harry's voice is in my ears trying to calm me.

"GET AWAY FROM ME" I flinch away from him as I feel him touch me, I'm too consumed by the images of Darren running through my mind to feel safe.

"River, come on baby, come back to me" Harry's voice offers me comfort, bringing me back to reality.

"Harry?" I lift my head to look at him.

"It's me, you're okay" he holds my face in his hands.

"No, no I'm not" I pull my face away from him and turn away to hide my face. "I can't live like this anymore. I can't do this, it's too painful. I get that you want to help but I don't think you can. Please stop with the therapy and just let me be" I plead, voice hoarse and unsteady.

"I'm going to make it better Riv', I don't know how but I will" Harry says in reply. Just as I turn my face back to look at him he leans forward and kisses me.

With his lips on mine I forget about my problems and it's just me and him.

That's all I need.

~

The clock is about to reach 11:15AM, which means that any second now Harry will come in to take me down the hall for another therapy session.

I'm not going. I'm putting my foot down and I'm not going through this again.

Harry enters the room as predicted. Though instead of immediately trying to usher me out of the room, he drops a black leather notebook onto my lap.

"What's this?" I look from him, to the notebook several times then hold it in my hands to flick through the pages. The pages are lined and haven't been written on. I look back at Harry with a confused frown.

"It's a journal, Harley's called off your therapy to try something else that has worked for many people in Styson. That journal is for you to write out everything that you're thinking and any of your memories from what you've been through. It'll be for your eyes only." Harry explains.

No more therapy?!

"You'll still have to have a chat with Harley once a week to see if this is working" Harry adds.

"Okay" is all I can say because I don't really know how I feel about this journal thing.

I guess it could be good to try to organise my thoughts, and I won't have to say them out loud to anyone else.

All I can do is try to see if it helps.

~

"What are we going to do Harry?" I say quietly into his chest.

"Hm?"

"We ccan't keep going on like this, what if I don't get better?"

"Shh, don't think like that. We're going to get through this alright? I've seen people go through the same as you and they got past it."

"They did?" I pull back slightly so I can look at him.

"Yes, it wasn't easy but they got through it. And so will you." I sigh.

"I don't understand how you can stay with me when I'm like this" I mumble.

"Don't say that" Harry pulls right away and sits up.

"Harry" I whine, wanting him back.

"Don't River, just don't. Of course I'm going to stay with you. Now more than ever." I reach my hand out to his arm and he turns his head to look at me. "I love you River. I love you. That means I'm here with you in the bad times and the good. I'll always be her whenever you need me. I'm here."

My heart is pounding and I try not to cry but I can't help it.

"Hey why are you crying? What did I say?" He reaches his hand out to cradle my face and wipes away the tears.

"You love me?" I say weakly.

"Yeah I do" he laughs. I lean forward and kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck. After a few moments I pull away.

"I love you too Harry" I whisper.

"I thought that I'd lost you. I couldn't stay focused, I was a mess because I needed to get you back" Harry pulls me to his chest. "I didn't realise how much I needed you until there was a possibility that I would never see you again." I pull my head away from his chest slightly so I can look up at him and give him a small smile.

"I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere" I wrap my hand round the back of his neck and pull his head down to kiss him.

This is all I need.

I don't need to speak to some therapist about my feelings or write in some journal.

I just need Harry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

END