Me Without You

chapter ten

4:37 p.m. June 14th

A little more than a week has gone by. It's been the same things day after day,

Wake up late.
Wait for time to pass.
Take more pills and sleep.

My life was an ongoing circle of this.

I still felt nothing. I starved myself, trying to feel some sense of life, but nothing.

I found razor blades in the basement and cut lines into my skin every night. It was amazing to feel something again if it was only for a second. The pain didn't last. I think that was my problem. I was getting bored of it. My attempts at feeling worked after a while but then I go numb again.

It was 11:47 p.m.
My parents were asleep now.
I crept into the dining room and tried as well as I could to open the large cabinet containing over a dozen bottles of alcohol.

The choices of my weapons against myself were endless. I looked around anxiously wondering what to pick, my parents would never notice. They barely ever drink, I've never drank like this in my entire life. I've had a few drinks here and there, but I've never had access to all of this or been completely drunk.

My mind wanders and I start to think about what a complete and total idiot I am for doing this.

I quickly push the thought away and try to decide which bottles to take. I look at the cabinet and choose a large full bottle of vodka, a bottle of whiskey, and grab as many beer bottles as I can carry in one hand, which ended up being only 3.

I got the bottle of vodka open and crawled out my window onto the part of roof that was slightly to the left of my window.

Staring up at the stars like this made me think of my last night with Tyler.

The amazing final day he spent with me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, to show some sign of emotion somehow. But all I could do was sit here in the silence of the night. He was the only good thing in my life, but I'm only realizing that fact now.

Maybe I could have made him stay, if only I made it not always about me.
It's all my fault, I thought as I raised the bottle to my lips.

I felt it in my system. It was like the smallest electric shock. It was magic, I was instantly addicted. I kept drinking and it felt warm inside me. I stayed staring at the sky with my bottle until the morning came.

I watched the sunrise in the cold air of the morning. Somewhere around 7:00 in the morning I slid back inside my window and climbed into my bed to make it look like I had been there the whole time.

I hid the bottles expecting my mother to come bother me at some point, but she never did. I guess she just gave up.

I wasn't drunk, but I definitely wasn't sober. Something about the vodka made everything feel a bit less terrible.

~*~