night - joshler

now the night

"i don't recognize myself."

"elaborate?"

"i'm just the shell of a person who used to be wonderful."

the doctor nods, tyler swears he can feel the white hot blood running through his veins.

"i'm not anything anymore, i mean. i cant necessarily describe it, but it's like- i'm empty. and that's it. i'm completely insignificant. i don't exist in society. i don't have any friends, any life outside of the same white walls that torment me every single day. i don't have anyone other than you to talk to. i don't trust anyone. i'm empty. i barely feel anything anymore. every emotion i am capable of feeling is washed out. like, you know how when you wash a shirt a thousand times and it dulls the color? ive been completely drained of color. i used to be vibrant. and now i'm dull. i am nothing. do you understand?"

doctor beck nods, quickly scribbling something down on his old yellow journal. as tyler attempts to glance over and read the (indecipherable) handwriting, he can see the rings left behind from glasses of wine, this presses him to ask another question.

"do you know what it's like to feel nothing?"

"i'm afraid i do, tyler."

tyler sucks in a breath, he realizes how musky the air is.

doctor beck let's out a sigh before looking back up at the boy, who's now fiddling with a string on his sweater.

"have you been taking your medication?"

"kind of. every once in a while, when i have the motivation. i hate that my mom pays for something i don't want. so i guess i just go along with it to make my relationship better with her. if that's even possible."

"is it helping?"

tyler chuckles quietly. "define helping."

"does it- when you do take it- make you feel any less suicidal or depressed throughout the day?"

"it just makes me feel number than i already am, which is saying something. so i guess. i'd rather feel sad than feel absolutely nothing. i'm empty enough as it is, i miss feeling things. kind of. so my answer is yes. though even thinking about taking it is repugnant."

"okay."

-

tyler flinches when he hears the door slam shut.

he relaxes when he hears his mom shuffling through her purse, but only slightly.

tyler sighs. desperately trying to take his attention back to the very boring book he's been reading. something shakespearien.

his mom takes a seat next to him on the couch. she places her drink, which he assumed was alcoholic, on a coaster in front of her.

"i just put your dad in a hotel. he was out drinking all night and i didn't feel like bringing him home."

he notices the yellow, black marks around her wrists and neck. her chin is a little swollen too.

"there's a dinner party im going to tonight for work, i have to bring you in case he comes home."

tyler nods.

-

when they arrive at the very nice house, tyler already feels out of place. his worn old tennis shoes and dull orange button up dont match the fancy marble statues placed on either side of the doors. he shuffles his feet anxiously as his mom knocks lightly. 

a tall, lanky boy with bright red hair opens up. he smiles slightly, looking down at tyler, "come in!"

there's quiet music playing, something classical. and there's dozens of people standing around drinking wine and champagne. by the time tyler's done looking around he sees his mom with a glass in her hand, chatting with some of the older men. he sighs, and walks in the kitchen. hoping to find some water or just a place to sit.

he notices the boy with neon red hair sitting at the table. he's reading the same book that tyler was reading earlier that day, only he looks much more interested in the contents. he smiles slightly, and sits over where the boy is. 
the red haired boy looks up from his book and smiles at tyler. he sets it down.

"hi!" he says happily.
tyler smiles at this, he responds quietly.
"hello."
"my name is joshua. my friends call me red. what's yours?"
he chuckles, blushing a deep magenta. "i'm tyler." he whispers.
"i'm gonna assume you're just as bored as i am at this "party," so do you wanna head up to my room? i can show you my drums. i promise it's a hell of a lot more interesting than shakespeare and mozart."
this time tyler laughs loudly, and josh smiles at this. "i'd love to." he says.

-

"that was so awesome!" tyler exclaims as josh finishes his drum routine. josh drops his drumstick and the boys laugh.
he stands up and bows dramatically, and tyler is laughing so hard his stomach hurts.
"can you play any instruments?" josh asks when the laughing subsides.
"i can barely play the piano, i have a crap one at home that i play when i have time."
"i have one in my sisters room. ill go grab it."

tyler was looking around josh's room, he noticed several pictures, one with a girl kissing his cheek, he saw band posters and drumming awards, and a journal that set on his desk. he opened it, a note was on the side. tyler heard josh coming and shut it immediately.
josh pulled the keyboard out of his sisters room, he brought it back and sat it on his bed.
tyler smiled, lightly pressing some keys.
"thank you," he smiles. "alrighty then, play something!"

he quickly gets lost in the keyboard, playing key after key, josh notices his eyes sparkling and he watches as tyler's lip is in between his teeth. and tyler is happy.

tyler laughed the hardest he's laughed in years. and he smiled and he felt safe.

and tyler is happy.