night - joshler

take pride

"she's dead."

tyler nods slightly, his mouth still partially cracked, the interminable ringing of a dead IV still rang in his hears.

he lays his head on josh's shoulder, still in partial shock for the tragic event that had just taken place. his head felt like it was going a hundred miles a beat, his throat was tight.

he looked up at josh, he was mouthing the words 'she's dead' over and over. he planted a shaky kiss on the pink haired boys lips. josh smiled sadly.

tyler and josh's mother weren't very close, but they still loved each other. she took tyler, loving and treating him as an average, mentally stable human should've. and he missed her. she was like a parent to him.
he couldn't imagine how josh felt.

or maybe he could, and he just didn't want to imagine. it hurts. it hurts bad. as if someone is ripping open your chest, filling it with menthol, absinthe, and anise. poisoning your skin until only skeleton bones remain.

"i wish i wasn't such a narcissist," josh whispers.
tyler furrows his eyebrows, glancing up at the taller boy.
he doesn't reply to his comment, knowing that the recent death is having ungodly effects, and he grabs the pink haired boys hand. he gives it a couple of squeezes, they soon arrive at the hotel that now seems much more quiet than it used to.

tyler walks over to the window, the floor creaks, the wood too uneven to produce proper stability. the light from the lamps reflect on the walls, causing them to appear drearier than usual. he shuts the curtains, breathing out as his hands drape down. he turns around, josh is laying on the one bed, tyler sighs and sits down on the foot.

"i came here for one funeral," the taller boy whispers.

tyler nods.

"i don't know what to do, ty."

the younger boy sighs, he wraps his arms around josh.

"things are going to get better, josh. i promise you."

josh glances up, holding his hand underneath tyler's chin.
he plants a light kiss to his cheek, and lays back.

"lay with me."

tyler relaxes against josh's soft touch.

"josh. i want you to tell me how much you're hurting. i want you to let the words spill from your mouth. and i want you to be able to breathe, for the first time in a very long time. "

josh looks at tyler,  he sighs, and nods his head.

"you once were, so close. but i don't remember, where you are, or who you know; but come this september, you will fly on your own. you will find your home. and it won't get much better. i am trying tyler. i am trying so hard, but i don't know what to do anymore. i never did. you've made it better. you've made everything so much better for me. but i am so lost. i am hurting so badly, and i am reaching out in every way possible. but i don't feel as if my friends really, truly, care. and with recent events, i've found that to be true. i have tried every way i can to get help without coming off as an attention whore, because that is my biggest fear. but i've hurt so much, that it's almost normal for me to feel like this. and i barely feel anything at this point. i even wrote a book, to see if anyone would notice that i wrote about the things i need help with. but no one has. and i don't think they ever will.

i am so incredibly sad. i am so hurt, and lost. i want to die. i want to be dead. i want to feel nothingness, because i already do. so if i were to die, then i would feel nothingness, including no sadness. it would be easier. i want to kill myself. i want to disappear from this earth and i want to be nothing. i want to be a hole in the ground. i want to be oblivion. i want to be nothing. i want to be dead. i want to know. "

"what do you want to know?"

"you. i want to know you. you are everything to me tyler. you are the only thing keeping me sane, alive, okay.
i can't live this way. just to stay alive, just to live another day. i can't do it. there's something else in this world that i need. and i don't know what it is. i am so sorry. i have hurt you, and i will never forgive myself for that. i cant sleep. my head instead is just going one hundred miles for every beat. the desperation and temptation, can you see it? can you see me hurting? i hope not. i hope in good at hiding it."

tyler was in tears at this point. josh smiles sadly.

"i want to be dead, tyler joseph."