night - joshler

My Only Friend

"I was thinking about taking you on a date, love."

tyler glances up, setting down the small paperclip that once fiddled in his fingers.

"really?"

Josh nods, a smile soon gracing his features. he shuts his eyes for a second, but soon opens them. he does this when looking at tyler, because every time he looks at him, it's like falling in love all over again.

but then Josh goes and sits by Tyler on the bed and kisses up his neck.
tylers breath shudders, Josh smiles at this, kissing around his ear.

"but first." Josh whispers in the younger boys ear.

"I was thinking.."

-

"what- the fuck?"

Josh holds his hands out in front of him.

"Tyler that's not what I meant."

tears begin prickling at the corner of the small boys eyes.
he throws his hands up, shaking his head. josh puts his hands on tylers shoulders in an attempt to calm him. but the younger boy just shrugs them off.

"nevermind. it's okay. I don't really care anymore."
Josh isn't stupid, he knows tylers not okay. he wraps his arms around Tyler, and sits him in his lap.

"it is a big deal," they rest their foreheads together.
"and it isn't okay."
he kisses him lightly on the lips.

Tyler nods slightly.

"do we have a plot? you know how most relationships have like a meaning, a plot, do we have one? I don't think so. we'd be a sucky love book."
Josh laughs at this.
"lucky for you we aren't in a book, but that's probably because our love was made for movie screens."

Tyler squints his eyes slightly, he watches as the sun goes down, as he watches the boy in front of him.

"I can't believe we both dropped out. how are we gonna get jobs?"

"that doesn't matter right now."
Tyler nods, smiling.

"I'm gonna marry you so hard."

-

now tyler wasn't usually one for burning himself; but considering the fact he doesn't want to burn anything in joshs home, he'll just have to settle for himself.

he still has the multiple scars from his fathers cigarettes- though they were so faded to the point you could barely see them- and though he hated it at the time, he hated to admit that he missed them.

he was using a lighter that he had purchased from the general store, it was pretty weak, but that didn't stop it from hurting. and oh did it hurt.

he loved it.

he deserved it.

or at least that's what he thought, that's what he was taught to think.
the interminable voices wouldn't shut the fuck up.

tylers body was so destroyed and burned and cut and messed up, that he was surprised he was still alive.
but that's just how it seemed to work.
Josh wanted Tyler.
Tyler wanted death.

yet, he continued. he continued harming himself until the point where he could bleed out, or die or something.

he was desperately trying to stay alive though, as false as that may sound. he loved Josh. he didn't want to leave him for the world. so he tried. he decided he would keep trying. he would try to get through that life, if it killed him.

Tyler just didn't think Josh understood, and he was right. there wasn't any real way for Josh to completely understand what Tyler had been through.

but that's okay.

"I'm okay, Josh."

Tyler wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

he's a liar.