the nowhere of believers.

27

I felt numb before you're gone,
It's what explains why
I'm not crying.
I was confessing with every moment
how much am I going to miss you.
when you were here, where I am.

I was sitting on my table, alone.
drinking my coffee and thinking,
of how lifeless
I can become after?
and you never knew
how much it became so confusing,
of thinking of now, past or later.

but every time
I look blankly at my wall,
it seems like
there's something so small
I had lost while drowning
in the ocean of my thoughts,
a precious hidden part of my heart.

I pinched my eyebrow,
as my elbow was on the table,
worried of remembering
how happy we were
when we cut your birthday cake.

or when I massaged your foot
while you're sighing telling me
how disgustingly long your
school day was.
life?
in our souls became
exchanged with holes
of regret and guilt.
though we both deserved the love.
And I felt like
I wanna study every piece of you.

and how I wish
you were sleeping
when I wanted to touch that
soft skin
like it's the last time.
you reflect me,
and I knew
I never wanted to change a thing about this love. 
I knew when you are
not there I'm
going to loose my precious.
I'm going to loose my patience.
I'm going to loose my faith.
I'm going to loose my path.
I'm going to see the blurry streets.
I'm going to feel the bitter taste.
I'm going to face the rain alone.
I'm going to plan things on how
life is going to be with out you.
tell me how? is that our love?
It's a mixture of one battle.
between believing and not.
things are never easy,
I wonder how
our love would taste
if it's the poison
in my vodka glass.
that would strongly
make me feel weakness.
I tried to let my mind get busy again,
my hands worked hard to forget you.
I need to be living in reality.
not the nightmares, the worries.
not the dreams, the happy times.
not the hopeless moments, the pauses.
Reality.
the normal thing. everyone have.
i felt the wet tears dropping
on my cheeks.
I wanted to see your face
light up this room
like you're always here.
I will never give up loving you.
even when you taught me
how to stay awake and strong.
the only thing made me strong
is your presence.
I know it's just  a short
term of sadness,
I'll grow the flowers
in your backyard.
I'll color the wooden bricks
of your house with your favorite color.
I'll make a bakery near your house.
and title it with your beautiful name.
I'll be loyal to the work.
till midnight, and everyday.
where I can
make you the bacon
sandwich with cheese.
and when you're eventually back,
I'll pay the money to schools
so we would get
our kids educated well.
and bring them to entertainment city.
and feed them burgers,
or let them ride horses with us.
and take a break holding hands
till we get tired,
till we fall asleep.
putting blankets around our shoulders.
what a heavenly of a sunrise
we would see.
what a heavenly of a feeling
we would feel.

-ClaryElvis